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WOME:^r EULE: 



A Comedy. 



IN FIVE ACTS 



PIIILAIlELPIilA: 
COLLINS, PRINTER, 705 JAYNE STREET. 

l"8 6 8. 



.^1 



HS8^ 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1867, by 

JOHN W. HUFF, 

in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for tht 
Eastern District of the State of Pennsylvania. 



TMPS6-0G6380 



In talk with a friend, the writer of these pages — under the 
impression that successful pieces for the stage have been in 
many instances the work of persons of a low order of literary- 
ability — ventured the assertion that he could himself produce 
a Comedy, and, being instantly challenged to the proof, 
wrote his drama, and showed it to his friend, by whom it was 
condemned without ceremony. The fact is well known that 
acting plays are not written at a heat, as some of the best 
poetry has been, and much good prose, but are elaborated. 
The piece thus summarily damned was laid aside, and, at 
intervals, afterwards taken up and altered, until the writer 
began to persuade himself it had the stage twist ; but, after 
time and pains bestowed on his MS,, he at last took fright, 
and irrecoverably, at the thought of submitting it to the 
ordeal of the footlights ; bethinldng himself, however, of Bob 
Acres' self-encouraging conclusion, that so mucli good matter 
ought not to he all tlivoion aioay^ he determined to print it. 

The inverted commas commonly prefixed to lines meant to 
be omitted in playing, have not been removed. The scene, 
though of, in' part, American manners, is laid abroad ; an in- 
congruity for which there is this excuse : that any of us w^ho 
will try his hand at making a five-act play turn upon home 
incidents and characters w ill probably discover — if he had 
never found it before — that his country, however great and 
respectable, is sadly provincial. 



CHAPvACTERS. 



MEN. 

Lord Winterly. 

Henry {his nepheiv). 

Landaff. 

Valentine. 

Old Payksan. 

Young Payksan. 

Margin {a servant). 

A Solicitor and his Clerk. 

WOMEN: 

Mrs. Winslove. 

Mrs. Payksan. 

Emily. 

Queen {a servant). 



SCENE. 

AT LORD WINTERLY'S IN THE COUNTRY. 

TIME. 
ONE DAY. 



WOMEN RULE 



ACT I. 

SCENE I. 

Library at Lord Winterly's — The room someiuhat 
littered — Breakfast on a tray. 

Enter Margin, imth a letter. 
Marg. M}^ master not down 3^et ! Here is his break- 
fast — Oh, the warm and friendly face of a good break- 
fast! Your right philosophy [Jielping himself] is 
practical philosophy. Did not the great Socrates say 
to his maid of all work, My dear^ strike the pot tchen 
it is hot? \_Eating.~\ What a rascal a man's heart is! 
If it were my master's inclinations I brushed, what a 
scavenger I would be! "Gentle blood! Blood is the 
"same, up stairs and down; runs in the same ditch, 
" empties from the same reservoir, feeds the same ap- 
" petites — don't I know that ? Do I serve a bookish 
" gentleman for nothing? I am no son of science, but 
"the kitchen, a footman 'to the manner born;' beau 
"to the scullion, forlorn hope to the housemaid, fit 
" only to live under ground, half brother to the an- 
"tipodes — hem! to give my arm to the fat house- 
" keeper, with a secret inclination to the cook, if my 

1^ 



6 - WOMEN RULE. [ACT I. 

" master's blood is not as muddy as mine is — so said — 
"who 's that Egyptian gentleman witli a hard name? 
" — Xo matter — he agrees with me, so he must be 
" right. The man that is right is the man that agrees 
"with 3^ou; there is your key to conclusions." Why 
is my master sick wiih love of his aunt — his aunt that 
is to be ? Mr. Henry, the last thing before he left here, 
did not your uncle say to you [^mimicks /um], Nephew^ 
watch this treasure! — Thee only can I trust — Books 
are innocent — "And did not the hard-hearted old dan- 
" dy, that never shed a round tear in his life — did not 
" he try to whimper, and wind up with a cr}^ ? — What 
"for I don't know, unless woe is a luxury — But, hold, 
"Margin! Is the fault in 3^our master, or your phi- 
"losophy? Who sent for love? Not your master; 
" he did not ring and order it. It came uncalled ; it 
" came like a ghost. It came like the measles. It 
" came, souse. It came like a heavy cold, and j^our 
master was all choked up before he knew it." Mr. 
Henr}^ is in love, where he ought not to be — but he 
can't help that. — What pretty boy ever so blushed, 
when rumpled and kissed by some coveting, uneasy 
spinster, as my master does when Miss Emily's mild 
eye jDasses over him ? Doth he not love in spite of his 
teeth? — the teeth of his modesty, if it has any teeth? 
Breakfast is spoiling. What is the Latin for break- 
fast? Gent, gent^ something like gentleman. [^Takes 
a book to look for it.'] Here is this saucebox, come 
cutting across the library, again — How often have I 
forbid that? 

SCENE II. 
Enter Queen, crossing the stage. 
Queen. Fa-la-la-la-la-la 



SCENE II.] A COMEDY. T 

llarg. Musical box, too! All! 3'oung woman, where 
are 3^011 going ? 

Queen. Did not 3^011 hear my mistress' bell, 3^onng 



man 



Marg. Stick to circumference — Eschew diameter. 

Queen. W-h-a-t? 

Marg. From the servants' hall to the back stairs — 
from the back stairs to the maids' gallery — from the 
maids' gallery round, round — that is 3^our way to an- 
swer 3^our bell, Mrs. Muslin. 

Queen. Up to his knees in his master's books — like 
puss in boots. I will see Mr. Henry knows of 3^our 
Didos, Mr. Shoulderknot. 

3Iarg. Dido ! Who was Dido ? 

Queen. Who was she? Who are 3^ou? She was 
the old turnspit, now deceased; a more useful member 
of the family than 3^ou will ever be. 

Marg. Respectable slut ! 

Queen. Slut! You — 3'ou wearer of second-hand 
learning and cast-off coats — 3'ou spoiled meat, kei)t 
too long in the house, and proper only to be thrown 
to the ducks ; 3'ou humble servant to the butler, sus- 
pected of dislo3'alt3" and trusted with a fork or two, 
and the small spoons, but never with the soup ladle! — 
You odd volume of an improper book ! 

Marg. Oh! oh!! 

Queen. You, a scholar indeed ! You scholar edu- 
cated to shave and dress single gentlemen — to cool 
their wine and warm their shirts — 3^ou etymology! 

Marg. Rising in the climax, an et3^mology ! Besot- 
ted female ! 

Queen. Female to 3'ou, 3'ou odious thing! You 
stupid, stuck-up, ridiculous, rude, intolerable, insufier- 



8 WOMEN RULE. [ACT I. 

able, iiiigTatcful, iigl}^ un- im- mi- iiii- iin- unfeeling 
— [crijingj^ — Yon horrid man ! 

Marg. Peace ; peace and order ! 

Queen. I tell you what it is, there will be a lot of 
people here to-day, to see my lord, and something 
better for 3^ou to do than read books, to study up 3^our 
impudence. 

3Iarg, Get thee to a nunnerj' — Go ! 

Queen. Call me slut, indeed ! 

Marg. Quadruped were too many for thy legs, and 
too much for thy learning. Miss a-b — ab ! It is three 
syllables. Hush ! here is my master for jow. 

Queen. And here is three sjdlables for you : nin- 
compoop! \_Piuns out. 

SCENE III. 

3Iarg. Well done, stratagem! She is off. The next 
time, I '11 obliterate her. I won't have m}^ equilibrium 
disturbed. Now [examining the seal of the letter']., 
here is this bit of wax and mystery. Give me a man 
who don't conceal his thoughts. I hate sealing wa% 
as I hate the padlock of the pantry closet. What is 
this pawing creature ? A lion — a fussy lion — I have 
seen them on village signs, inviting in man and horse, 
but here is an inhospitable beast for you ; a damned 
exclusive lion! A fig for your lions and tigers ! [Peep- 
ing into the letter.] M}^ master! [In recovering him- 
self he crumples the letter.] 

SCENE lY. 
Enter Henry. 
Marg. Letter, sir ! [Hands it.] From the crooked 
billet, sir, ma}^ be from a lady, sir. It is twisted. 



SCENE IV.] A COMEDY. 9 

Even the maids twist their letters ; some of them their 
sentences, your honour, shockingly. 

Henry. How old is the day? 

3Iarg. Just dawning, sir ; only ten o'clock. 

Henry. The morning loiters. 

Marg. Your honour slept well ? Sleep is a refresher. 

Henry. Ay, swallows time — eats up so many hours, 
but don't refresh the rest. 

llarg. It is the books you read, sir — you read such 
hard books. Why, sir, they would disturb the peace 
of an ostrich. Do try something flexible this morn- 
ing. Suppose you try a newspaper, sir. I do wonder 
your honor don't take a paper. Why, my Lord Win- 
terly, 3^our honour's Right honourable and noble uncle, 
would as soon go without his hair-dye as without his 
newspaper. Oh! the types and the telegraphs! There 
you have it, sir, ever3^thing in the world, and more 
too, all through a magnifying glass — every molehill a 
mountain. Let me order a morning paper for you, 
sir, do — the treasures of the earth for a penn}^ a day. 

Henry. Trash! Hand me the ninth volume of that 
German work on The supiwsed advantages of a resi- 
dence in the moon — you will find it on the table. 

Marg. Would not it be prudent to take a bite of 
something first, sir? Just a precaution. 

Henry. Or, get me down Petrarch ! I will com- 
mune awhile with that ill-star'd wooer. 

Marg. Had not he luck, sir? There's a great deal 
in that. I want a man to have luck. 

Henry. Those " immortal longings " j^ou may read 
of, you blockhead, but 3^ou '11 never understand, trans- 
ported him beyond the wants of men like you. His 
luck was with posterity. 

Mayrj. Quite likel}^, sir — but that is a part of the 



10 WOMEN RULE. [act T. 

family that is of no use to a man. I remember that 
Petrarch — He did not come to the point. 

Henry. Tut, sir! 

Marg. According to my reading, sir, a smile of the 
young woman would have done him more good than 
all the ladies in England cr3dng, for a thousand years, 
over his posterity. Lord, sir — it is to-da}^ I look at. 
There is no comfort in posterity; they are not avail- 
able. 

Henry. Out, yon booby ! Where did j^ou read that ? 
Comfort is never to-daj^; it is to-morrow that is avail- 
able^ as you call it ; the illusion of hope, you silly 
man; take away that, and little indeed is left us. 
What did yow do with the letter ? 

Marg. Your honour has it in 3^our hand. Pardon, 
sir, not in 3'our pocket — this hand, sir. 

Henry. So I have. Don't I get a little absent ? 

Marg. \_Aside.'] Poor gentleman, for a week past he 
has had no present tense at all. \_Aloud.'] No, sir; oh, 
no! — never saw an3^thing of the kind. 

Henry. You must tell me, if you do. 

Marg. Your honour is a little reflective, that is all. 
After I undress your honour, to go to bed, 3^our houour 
sometimes stands there, and saj's, Margin.^ are my 
things off'^ — and I look at jowy honour and say, Oh 
yes, your honour, every stitch of them. Then at other 
times 

Henry. Well, well ! 

Marg. Then, at other times, when 3^our honour has 
been reading the dead languages 

Henry. Never mind — get me the book. [Opens the 
letter: as he reads, Margin, seeming to search for the 
hook, hut listening to the letter.'] Wh}^, 'tis from Valen- 
tine. \_Reads.'] 



SCENE IV.] A COMEDY. 11 

We are here^ not twenty miles from you, at a small 
inn, where we came last night, j^osting ; your uncle re- 
fusing to travel by rail, which, he says, brings on his gout. 

Marg. \_Asicle.'] Quite impossible. 

Henry. \_Reads.'] Butivhich, the gout, I mean, seems 
akin to post and rail too, for my lord is suffering from 
a most violent attack. It compelled us to our halt here, 
in the mud. Expect us any moment! I ivrite that you 
may keep a lookout on the ivalls, for ivhat iDith poda- 
gra 

Marg. \_Aside.'\ What can that be ? 

Henry. \_Reads'\ — and the correspondence of Mrs. 
Payksan, my lord is in a sort of fury — he is in ivhat 
somebody on the stage calls '•'•a very damned condition.''^ 
That ruling woman dispatches him daily epistles, 
loaded ivith every kind of explosive material, and 
rammed doivn with flattery. She insists you are mak- 
ing love to his intended bride. 

Marg. [_Aside.'] Pity he was not. 

Henry. Falsifjdng woman! Do you accuse me of 
treachery to my uncle ? Ah, Emily ! were I permitted 
to adore thee ! Well — [reads'] — loith strange hints of 
an alarm that Philip Landaff is found. Be on the 
alert! — and believe me, &c. Valentine. 

Postscript. I am no longer private secretary tQ Vis- 
count Winterly^ having resigned that high office last 
night, loith the determination to carve my own way in 
the ivorld. I sail next week for America, ivhere, in 
the swarm of adventurers, a man^s ancest7y being, like 
mine, an impenetrable mystery, is a crime sometimes 
pardoned — and that 's not so in England. 

Henry. Poor Yalentine ! A m3'stery indeed, for it 
enshrouds even the names of his father and mother : 



12 WOMEN RULE. [ACT I. 

and, from the eye of the vulgar maii}^, hides his fine 
qualities. Ah, vanity is an engine to work, and Mrs. 
Payksan is an adept; but who would have thought 
to see her govern my uncle in this way? Her minis- 
tration never tires. She has her lozenges for m}^ lord's 
throat, mixtures of all kinds for his gout and palpita- 
tions ; she feeds every silly humour, and bathes his self- 
love in perpetual praise. What a woman she is! She 
has physicked half a dozen disconsolate people, in the 
village, into uniting in a club ; and they go to hear 
each other lecture on the rights of woman, and God 
knows what — themselves and the benches being the 
audience. She would inoculate us with what she calls 
the American s^^stem. Who can tell what we may 
come to ? Strange things have come from smaller 
beginnings. 

Marg. The book? You said Petrarch, sir. 

[.Offering it.'] 

Henry. Ah! 

Mo.rg. [ Tying his master^ s dress.] A string loose, 
sir. [Aside.] If I did not brace him up, now and then, 
he would get as slack as a street fiddle. 

Henry. See if my sister's maid is down stairs. Say 
I want to see Mrs. Winslove, immediately. 

Marg. Certainl}-, sir; but won't your honour break- 
fast to-day ? 

Henry. I have breakfasted. 

Marg. Your honour, that was yesterday. 

Henry. Yesterda}^ — Was it ? 

Marg. Never anger the stomach, sir — my own expe- 
rience of an enraged stomach, the appetite being at 
meridian, is 

Henry. Will you go for Mrs. Winslove? 

^ [Exit Margin. 



SCENE VI.] A COMEDY. 13 

SCENE Y. 

Henry. I wonder if that fellow suspects me — my 
head is full of shadows. Oh, the curse of shyness. 
There is my gay sister, all life and encouragement — 
would have me think I have more in me than half 
the young men. But if I can make no use of it! — 
What avails a thousand pound note? What a man 
wants is loose change. A man may do more with an 
ounce of impudence than a ton of brains. Let me 
see! Julia will be here. She is shrewd-witted ; but 
so good, so warm-hearted. And something she knows, 
I am sure of it, and wants me to know. She never 
forgets other people. More than once she would have 
talked with me, but I repulsed her. Now, this weary 
watch my uncle has set me, is almost over, I will hear 
Julia's secret. My uncle, and his designs on Emily, 
it bears on them, I am satisfied of that — but I have 
not the face to ask what it is. She shall speak, and I 
say nothing. I will try my art on Julia. 

SCENE YI. 
Enter Mrs. Winslove. 
3Trs. Winsl. Good morning to you, Henr3- [touching 
his shoiilde?^']. 

Henry. [Starts.'] News, sister! I have news for 3-ou. 
3Irs. Winsl. I find you deep in meditation. What 
do you brood over ? 
Henry. It is news. 
Mrs. Winsl. Some grand conception. 
Henry. Your uncle may be here, before the clock 
strikes. 
9 



14 AVOMEN RULE. [ACT T. 

Mrs. Winsl. There, now; I was sure it was not news; 
it has been in the house since early this morning. 

Henrij. It is not very old, then. 

Mrs. Winsl. Why, news dies of old age, in half an 
hour. It has a vivacity of existence you know nothing 
of, living among these mummies — yowv shelves there, 
of unburied fops. 

Henry. Books, sister, as wise men have thought, 
are companions; a praise I cannot bestow on the deni- 
zens of the gay society you live with. 

Mrs. Winsl. Books, brother, as you use them, are 
an opiate, with which you drug yourself, producing 
fogs and melancholy. I would not rail at your dumb 
compan3% but I would rather chat away the morning 
with a pleasant woman — 

Henry. Or man ? 

M7's. Winsl. Or listen any length of time to a plea- 
sant man — he need not be a paragon of attractions ; 
but I would have him good-humoured, good-looking, 
well-bred, well-dressed, disposed to the adoring — the 
nonchalant I cannot abide, it offends one's vanity — in 
short a clever, presentable man, than read all the books 
in the Vatican. 

Henry. A scholar is twice a man. 

Mrs. Winsl. Scholarly men, brother, are like elderl}^ 
women — one may admire their getting up, but they 
are not captivating. I will venture again — don't be 
too much shocked, good recluse — that in seeing the 
world, uncouth monster as it is, and mixing with its 
citizens, much as 3^ou despise them, jow would find 
more inspiration than in all 3^our dead friends ever 
wrote. 

Henry. Precious inspiration! 



SCENE VI.] A COMEDY. 15 

Mrs. Winsl. Better see a drowning boy pulled out 
of a duck pond, than read the deeds of Hector. 

Ren7y. Well, well! All this has been said before. 
" It is trite enough. I will agree, your friends are the 
" cream of the cream ; these people of all ages and 
" both sexes, who go the rounds of society — the para- 
" disc where you pick up your inspiration — the young 
" to cultivate their frivolity, the old their malice ; and 
" the rest to j^awn, and wish themselves at the devil, 
'' or at home. But, setting aside j^our question of high 
" reason, let us fold our wings and drop down to the 
"ground, where j^ou women can walk in safety." 
What think you of the news — the expected arrival ? 

3frs. Winsl. [Aside.'] Humph ! he never proposed 
such a question, in his life, before ; nor do I think, 
poor fellow! he was ever so cross with me. [Aloud.'] 
What do I think ? I think as you do, our uncle will 
soon be here. 

Henry. That is encouraging. 

3Ii^s. Winsl Yery. 

Henyy. To know that a peer of the realm, with thirty 
thousand a year, and unlimited command of post- 
horses, when he gets within twenty miles of his own 
gate, can overcome the perils of the last twenty times 
seventeen hundred and sixty yards. 

3Irs. Winsl. Is that the length of a statute mile ? 

Henry. I did not think he would be here so soon. 

3Irs. Winsl. Oh, yes! 

Henry. He takes one by surprise. 

31rs. Winsl. Oh, no ! 

Henry. I thought the advice of his pli3'sician — let- 
ters from Mrs. Pa3"ksan — gout coming on — snuff 
giving out — some fanc}^ his health was affected — in 



16 WOMEN RULE. [ACT I. 

short, an3'tliing which blows about so light a body, 
would have kej^t him away from us. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, no ! 

Henry. You did not look for him. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, yes ! 

Henry. \_Aside.~\ Oh yes. Oh no, Oh no. Oh yes ! 
[Aloud.'] Do you know, Julia, I should be glad, that is 
I ought to be glad, to see our uncle; I always thought 
he possessed one, or may be, two good qualities. 
What do you say to that ? — Taking it up in the man- 
ner of good society. 

3Irs. Winsl. I thiuk he stands thirty thousand a 
year tolerably well. 

Henry. Ha, ha ! Well enough. But what do you 
think of our uncle generally — expatiatingl^'^ — as you 
would chat him over with a clever woman, or present- 
able man, good humored, good looking, disposed to 
the adoring? 

Mrs. Winsl. He would expatiate to me. 

Henry. Did you ever hear whether Lord Winterly 
was in love? — As a young man, I mean. 

Mrs. Winsl. The loves of remote ages are so unsatis- 
factory^; but we will ask him about it, at dinner, to-da}^ 

^e???-?/. You are provoking! You are absurd ! Did 
3^ou come here to laugh at me ? I have better occu- 
pation 

Mrs. Winsl. Than what? perhaps than your present 
occupation ? 

Henry. Be it so. 

Mrs. Winsl. And what is that, Henr}'-? Tell me 
what it is, of late, turns awry 3^our temper, and now 
your conversation ; makes you impatient to dismiss a 
topic, which has more of your talk than any other, to 
stir such a dish of tattle ? You sent for me — why ? 



SCENE yi.] A COMEDY. It 

Henry. You must answer yonr question — anxious 
young women do tliat. 

Mrs. Winsl. Heniy, you are not happy. 

Henry. Wait, and you may know more. 

Mrs. Winsl. A sister's heart is impatient. Come, 
Henry — let us be to each other, as we have ever been, 
the truest of friends. 

Henry. Julia! 

Mrs. Winsl. And confidants I What tie so dear as 
that w^hich unites two orphans, cast, as we were, so 
early, on the world? — Yet how unlike each other — you 
a grave and studious youth, and I the merry girl — 
But, you loved me the better for that. How have I 
lost your confidence ? 

Henry. I am a wretch ! 

Mrs. Winsl. Why cover your face ? There is nothing 
to be ashamed of — that I am sure of — speak ! Then, 
I wall. You are in love — It is nothing worse; a little 
awkward it should be with Emily. Oh, don't stare at 
me so! I am no conjuror — people all round you are 
as wise as I am. 

Henry. I am discovered ! 

Mrs. Winsl. And now, dearest Henr}^, that you hiwe 
told me, let me call it, wdiat I, and everybody, knew 
before, I have no half confidences with you. Hear me 
. — Emily returns your affection. 

Henry. Good God — what will my uncle think ? 

31rs. Winsl. Dry your eyes, brother, and listen. 

Enter a Seevant. 
Serv. Sir, my lord has, this moment, arrived. 

\_Exit Servant.] 
Henry. I could not bear the meeting — Do you re- 



18 WOMEN RULE. [ACT I. 

main ! I will withdraw, and endeavour to compose my 
spirits. [^Going.'] 

3Irs. Winsl. But, Henry, Hemy ! — not that way; 
not b}^ the main staircase; you will meet m3^ lord, and 
all his train — you would not bow and pass on, would 
you ? 

SCENE YII. 

Enter Margin. 

Marg. Please you, sir, I thought you would be 
pleased to know, our uncle is coming ujd stairs, in a 
towering passion — talking all the way. His lordship is 
in one of his moods. To be sure, it is nobodj^'s busi- 
ness what he means, but he talks loud, sir, very loud. 

il/rs. Winsl. We shall have a storm. 

Marg. Looks equinoctial, ma'am. 

Henry. What can I do? Margin, get the key of the 
observatory. 

Marg. [Aside.'] A pleasant time for star gazing ! 

Henry. Margin, get a horse saddled, instantly. 

Marg. Not an Equus, sir ! 

Henry. A horse, sir. 

Marg. Your honour will fall off. 

3lrs. Winsl. Yes, yes, you can take a turn in the 
park. I will lend you Daisy. 

Marg. But stay a moment, sir ! You won't ride in 
your dressing gown. \_Gets his master^ s coat.'] 

3Irs. Winsl. And, Margin ! 3^ou will mount too, and 
follow your master. Don't go beyond the park. Margin ! 

Marg. No, ma'am, and we won't ride fast, either. 

Mrs. Winsl. Your master has his slippers on. Mar- 
gin. 

Marg. Not a horse in the stable, ma'am, that would 
not be shocked. 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 19 

Mrs. WinsJ. Take them off, Margin! — Xever mind 
them, Margin ! 

Henry. It is too kite now — I can ride so. 

3Irs. WinsL Get your master's things, and carry 
them down to him. Go for them, Margin ! Go, Henry ! 
by this door, and turn to the left. [^Exit Henry. 

SCENE YIII. 

Marg. Ma'am, the horse for my master would he the 
horse he tells me the poets used to ride ; and, even 
he, Mr. Henry says, had a way of throwing people off, 

Mrs. WinsL Go for your master's horse — follow 
your master! Awa}^ away! 

Marg. But, he is so in love, ma'am, I would as soon 
put a gentleman on horseback fast asleep. 

Mrs. WinsL Go! 

Marg. Or, with the nettle-rash, ma'am. 

Mrs. WinsL Oh Margin! Margin! [J^'j.'zY Margin.] 

Mrs. WinsL He will escape my uncle, if he don't 
stop to consider, before mounting Daisy! Oh, my 
dear Henry ! you think without acting — and our poor 
uncle, he acts without thinking. Here he is — and 
Valentine — Yalentine shall not see he flutters me. 

SCENE IX. 
EiUer Lord Winterly, Yalentine, and Servants. 

Mrs. WinsL My dear uncle! 

Lord Win. Hah! Where is the young gentleman? 
Here are the books, but where is the benevolent 
reader ? 

Valentine. \_Aside to Mrs. Winslove.] Fairest ! 

Mrs. WinsL [^suZe to Yalentine.] Truant! Hush! 



20 WOMEN RULE. [aCT I. 

Lord Win. Where is your brother ? 

Mrs. Win si. In the park, uncle, on horseback, taking 
an airing. 

Lord Win. In the park ! In the Bosphorus ! He 
don't know the way to the park. 

3Irs. Winsl. Uncle, we were expecting you 

Lo7'd Win. On horseback ! Why not a steeple 
chase ? The 3^oung hero, why 'tis the Olj^mpic games ! 
into the saddle out of the librarj^ window. In the 
park taking an airing ! I shall hear next of the Iliad 
and pure mathematics airing themselves in the park ! — 
\^To a Servant.] Sirrah, see whether your master is 
under some great tree airing himself with Diogenes — 
or, do you hear, sir, with Diana. 

Servant . My lord ? 

Lord Win. Where is Emily? 

Mrs. Winsl. Uncle, she went out somewhere. 

Lord Win. Somewhere ! what a dear indefinite thing- 
it is. Where is Mrs. Paj^ksan ? 

3Irs. Winsl. She has not been at the castle since you 
left us. 

Lord Win. \_To a Servant.] Let the chariot go for 
Mrs. Payksan. \_Exit Servant.] Say I expect her in 
thirt}^ minutes. 

ilfrs. Winsl. You will wait for Henry a few minutes, 
uncle ? 

Lord Win. Don't tell me of minutes! — \_To a Ser- 
vant.] Let Mr. Henry be looked for everywhere, and 
told I am here. \_Exit Servant.] 

Mrs. ^yinsl. [Aside to Yalentine.] Do say some- 
thing. 

Val. Pardon me, but your haste, my lord, reminds 
me of 3^our stor}^ of your lordship's getting the better 
of Lord Scamper. 



SCENE rX.] A COMEDY. 21 

Lord Win. We will dispense with that, sir. 

3Irs. Winsl.\_ Aside.'] Try again presently. — \_Aloud.~\ 
But, uncle, your tour ? 

Lord Win. Infatuated is the man who leaves his 
own house for roads and inns ; but what is he who 
expects to find his house in order when he returns to 
it? \_To the Servants.] Go, some more of you, and 
look for this gentleman! {^Exeunt two or three Serv- 
ants.] A curse upon the road ! 

Val. I pray for every inch of it — except where they 
take the toll. 

Lord Win. I detest it. 

Val. Why, my lord ! New places, new faces — civil 
landlords with smiling wives and condescending daugh- 
ters. You remember your adventure at Abbeville- 

Lord Win. I remember that till yesterday, when 
you threw up your place, sir, you had something to 
pay toll with; now you have nothing. I will have the 
bell rung for this fellow. 

Val. And what an equal .heaven the road is! Why, 
a hundred miles from where he was born, a smart young 
fellow passes for younger brother to somebody, or gets 
along as well as anybody, after he is known to be 
nobody. 

Mrs. Wind. To be sure, uncle. 

Val. Do you know, my lord, I have sometimes 
thought — you know you have been kind enough to 
tell me of your contests you had with the levellers, 

in one of your boroughs 

Lord Win. Go — another of you. [^Exit Servant.] 

Val. Do you know I have often thought the Avorst 
of levellers are those level roads, with iron tops to 
them, where people switch round the world, at fifty 



22 WOMEN RULE. [ACT I. 

miles an hour, for a penny a mile — hundreds of them, 
with the same horse. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, steam, steam, what mischief you 
have done ! 

Val, Oh ! m}^ lord, it is all wrong this making ever}^- 
body comfortable. It has a sensible effect on peers 
and post-horses. Give everybody a horse and you 
plaj^ hob with our institutions. 

Lord Win. I am deceived ! it is too plain. I call 
you, niece, to witness 

Mrs. Winsl. Contain yourself, uncle! You will make 
yourself ill. You know, the Doctor ■ 

Lord Win. Mrs. Pa^dvsan was right. I am imposed 
on. Henry has 

Val. Think of your respiration, my lord ! 

Lord Win. Damn my respiration ! 

Val. You remember, last season in London, Dr. 
Dyer had his wax preparations, and explained to you — 

Lord Win. I remember nothing ! 

Val. That the pulmonary orifices of your lordship's 
heart, with valves which allow 3^our lordship's blood 
to run from the auricles to the ventricles, and the 
ventricles to the arteries 

Lord Win. Out upon you ! 

Val. And shut back, with the contraction of your 
lordship's organ 

Lord Win. Away with your gibberish ! 

Mrs. Winsl. Consider, my lord, your nephew, your 
heir ! 

Lord Win. I will have no nephews. I will 

Mrs. Winsl. Uncle! I will see no injustice done 
Henry! My lord, his feelings must be respected. 

Lord Win. Silence, all of 3- ou ! Come here ! [io a 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 23 

Servant, tohose arm he taJces] I will send no more 
messages, listen to no more speeches ! I will do the 
work myself. I will join the hunt: I will go and look 
up this unfortunate 3^oung gentleman, drest — how was 
he drest? — who having escaped from his uncle's house, 
has wandered off to the fields, in a fit of derangement. 

Mrs, Winsl. My lord, I accompany you. 

Lord Win. Has he tumbled into the fish pond, or 
fallen asleep on the grass? We shall see. I will have 
the water dragged for him, and the grass too. Come 
along ! 

Val. TherQ he goes to play the fool out of doors, 
like Polonius. To love is to be jealous, heaven knows 
— and so, alas, do I — But when a man falls in love 
after fifty — no matter where between fifty and a hun- 
dred — whether his passion is the woman or the estate, 
it is sure to make him ridiculous. 

Tender young hearts oppressed toith jealous fear, 

We loeep for — your old hearts are only queer. 



END OF ACT I. 



24 WOMEN RULE. [ACT II. 



ACT II. 

SCENE I. 

Grounds adjoining Winterly Castle. 

Enter ^ from without^ Old Payksan, Young Payksan, 
and Mrs. Payksan, followed by a Servant of Lord 
Winterly^ loaded with books, papers, baskets, and 
parcels. 

Mrs. Payh. [^Looking at her watch.'] I am eleven 
minutes too soon for his lordship ; we will give them 
to moral recreation. Don't send away the chariot, 
John! 

Old Payh. My dear, you will keep my lord's carriage 
half the day. 

Mrs. Payh. Mr. Payksan!! Do you think I don't 
know the value of time, Mr. Payksan? — and other 
people's carriages? The basket of fruit is for m3^self, 
John ; you will carry it home for me. Give the roll of 
red flannel to the committee on rheumatic females. 
Hand the Petition for Biped Suffrage to young Mr. 
Pollemall ; he will put the names to it. The address 
of the Society for The immediate abolition of voluntary 
homicide, goes to the office of Mrs. Tourniquet, the 
first Yice-President. The other things can lie in the 
chariot till I come back. That is all, John ! 

Servant. Yes, madam. 

Mrs. Payh. Only, stop at the Post Office for letters, 
John, and newspapers ; and you may leave No let up 
for publication in the Friendly Monitor ; and give 



SCENE I.] A COMEDY. 25 

Lolo Wages to Mrs. Adam Smith, and ten copies of 
my Tisiphone or the Neio System to Miss Bramble, 
and Men the softer sex to Mr. Smooth, and Mr. 
Smallpipes' pamphlet to an3'body who will read it. 
Virtue in small doses, is for the servants at Mrs. Good- 
woman's. She is a poor orthodox creatnre, and must 
not know where it comes from. You need not sta3^, 
John. Thank you, John ! I will remember j^ou in 
Christmas week. [Exit Servant.] And oh! John, 
John ! [Be-e7iter Servant.] There is my Ode to the 
Hottentot Yen us ; Brother Blackface is to set it to 
the new American air. Fragrant Sister — don't forget 
to leave it as you pass his door. [Exit Servant.] 

Young Payk. Mamma, I don't think the old fellow 
will see you to-day. 

Mrs. Payk. My dear, don't say old fellow. It has 
not the moral turn. Besides, Lord Winterly is not 
much older than j^our papa. 

Old Payk. Excuse me, my dear. But he is soon to 
be a bridegroom. 

Mrs. Payk. Don't be precipitate, Mr. Payksan, per- 
haps not. 

Young Payk. That would not make him much 
3^ounger, papa ! 

3Irs. Payk. Don't say so, m^^ dear. It would be sure 
to make him younger. It is a fresh start. Marriage 
is alwa}^s a fresh start. Every time a man takes an- 
other wife, the foolish creature thinks himself a young 
fellow, beginning life again, no matter how old he is. 
There is Lord Winterly's sporting neighbor. Sir Harry 
Horseflesh, has renewed himself in that way four times. 
I do hope, Mr. Pa3^ksan, when I am gone, 3-ou won't 
be making a fool of 3 ourself. 
3 



26 WOMEN RULE. [ACT II. 

Old Pai/k. Probabl}" not in that wa^^, my dear ; but 
if I should, I am not a Lord Winter!}^, with mind and 
bodj^, both, to be patched. 

3l7's. Paijk. Possibl}^ Mr. Payksan; but, as I never 
forget an34hing myself, I was surprised at your decay 
of memor}^, just now. 

Old Payk. I thought if young Landaff came upon 
the stage 

3l7\s. Payk. The stage! Come upon the stage! Mr. 
Pajdisan, don't draw your metaphors from the play- 
house. See, ni}^ poor husband; j'ou would like, I sup- 
pose, to have Tom married to Emil}^ Meadows, the 
richest heiress in this part of the country. 

Old Payk. Ridiculous ! 

Young Payk. Mamma, I want to speak ! 

il/rs. Payk. Presentl}^, sir, you shall have the floor 
five minutes. Go now [to Young Payksan], and see 
the servants tell Lord Winterl}^ I am here — Go, sir ! 
[Exit Young Payksan.] Observe, Mr. Payksan, 
and don't be hast3^ I ought to know how the will 
runs. It is in the handwriting of Wright, the Soli- 
citor, who went all the way from London to draw it. 
/, Philip Landaff^ those are the words, at Pen some- 
thing, the barbarous place where he was living, j^pu 
know, under a cloud, do devise^ and half a dozen words, 
all meaning the same thing, my entire estate^ but it 
takes a skin of parchment to say so, not to my nephew, 
and if he don't come for it, then to my niece, but first 
and foremost to my sister^ s child Emily Ileadoivs, pro- 
vided my brother^ s son, PhilijJ Landaff, for seven 
years past not heard of, and believed to be dead, be 
not ascertained on competent proofs to be alive 

Old Payk. ^Vhicli is now ascertained, b}^ those 



SCENE I.] A COMEDY. 2t 

London solicitors ; and the young man may be looked 
for every day. 

Airs. Payk. I ought to know something of that, Mr. 
Payksan. Well, he not ascertained to he alive hefore 
the said Emily lleadoivs attains the age o/19 years; 
which the testator proceeds to declare will happen the 
12th October in the year of grace 1860. 

Old Payk. Now thirteen days off. 

Mrs. Payk. Yes, and if his nephew don't turn up, 
before that day, then Emily, who, it is his wish and 
desire, but not his command, should marry John Henry 
Edioard William 13th Lord Winterly^ is left in the 
undisturbed possession of the whole property, and the 
heir cut oft' 

Old Payk. If he don't appear. 

Mrs. Payk. Whether he afterwards appear or not ; 
he must be found before the 12th of October, 1860; 
and the testator, all contradiction, fixes the reward at 
5000 guineas, for finding his heir, whom he did not 
want found ; and, now the day is so near, there is a 
perfect race for the guineas, among the solicitor folks — 
and the will ends, as i\\Q.y all do, with wax and ribbon ; 
after declaring Lord Winterl}^ guardian of the 3'oung 
lady and trustee of the whole estate, till Landaff comes, 
when Landaff", in getting the estate, takes control of 
Emily — my daughter, that is to be, Mr. Payksan 

Old Payk. You are mad, I see. 

Mrs. Payk. See ? You never see anything — yow 
see with one eye shut, and the other looking through 
smoked glass ; like a man at an eclipse. You see 
like a sick man, propped on a pillow, what is set 
before j^our eyes to look at, and j^ou see nothing else, 
and never did. When did 3'ou see round a corner? 



28 AVOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

Old Payk. I see that, throwing aside the nncertaint}^ 
of Miss Meadows having anything at all, till the 12th 
of October, 1860, when it is too late for Philip Lan- 
daff to come for the estate, j'-on wonld have half the 
marriageable men in the kingdom to compete with 
3' our son. Here is a girl with money enough to make 
a countess. The rush for a rich wife — j^ou know what 
it is. Wh}^ the men will be agog for her. You will 
have to conquer the island again. 

Mrs. Payk. It shall be conquered. 

Old Payk. To encounter everj^ able-bodied English- 
man who has not a wife already ; and may be some 
annexing Yankee too. 

Mrs. Payk. They shall be encountered. 

Old Payk. Bravo, madam ! 

Mrs. Payk. Subdued — consumed. 

Old Payk. A brisk military appetite ! Wli}^, 3^ou 
would breakfast on a village, lunch on a fortress, and 
dine on forty thousand men. You must sap and mine 
too ; you have to engineer out of 3^our wa3^ Miss Mea- 
dows' attachment to Lord Winterly's nephew ; ever3^- 
bod3^ sa3's the3" are over head and ears in love with 
one another. 

Mrs. Payk. Engineer attachments ! Did not I marry 
our dissipated Willie to quite an heiress he w^as not 
attached to, at all; after getting her to break her 
match with Mr. Godly, the most devout young man 
in a radius of ten miles, who almost swore he was 
attached to her? — and so I believe he was, for he had 
not a farthing — Was not that engineering ? Did not 
Mr. Gingerl3^ refuse to be present, to see his ward 
married to our poor dear Jonathan, because, after 
wdiat had happened, he considered her the same as 



SCENE I.] A COMEDY. 29 

married to j'oung Backwater, who so basel^^ deserted 
her? Was not that eiio-ineerino-? 

Old Payk. The less said about that, the better, Mrs. 
Pa3d?:saii. 

Mrs. Payk. Did not that vinegar thing, Miss Cruet, 
tell you it was not safe for single women in the neigh- 
borhood? — And your Scotch cron}', old MacSneer, 
when he wanted to be particularly disagreeable, offer 
me his picture of the Kape of the Sabines, if I would 
hang it up? 

Old Payk. I remember that. 

3Irs. Payk. And, had not the nast}^ Sawney the im- 
pudence to show where it might hang in the parlor, 
opposite my own portrait, Mr. Payksan? And did 
not you stand by, and hear him ? Lord ! but husbands 
are meek things ! 

Old Payk. I am no engineer, but it does appear 
strange you make 3^our London solicitors there. Shark 
and Company, search for Landaff everywhere, if you 
want to marry your son to Emily Meadows, when, 
Landaff, if he comes before the 12th of October, 
takes every farthing of her estate from her. 

3Irs. Payk. If Landaff should appear, and leave Miss 
Meadows penniless, will Lord Winterly marry her ? 

Old Payk. Probably not. 

Mrs. Payk. And the girl might be an3'body's wife. 

Old Payk. She is high born. 

3Irs. Payk. High fiddlestick! If my son marries 
Emily Meadows, after Landaff appears, and when slie 
is as poor as a mouse, can Lord Winterly unmarry 
them, because the Landaff turns out to be a mistake, 
and disappears, and leaves her as rich as a Jew? 

Old Payk. Appears — disappears. Who is this? 
3* 



30 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

3Irs. Paijk. Who should it be but Philip Landaff? 
Do 3^ou think the law3'ers could blunder? He is a 
person found in London, corresponding at all points, 
age, and what not, with the lost nephew of the late 
Mr. Landaff; even the deep scar on his left shoulder. 

Old Payk. The cut, I suppose, he received when 
Martha Williams, the nurse, let him fall down the 
rocks. 

3Irs. Fayh. Ignorant of his own birth, and earlier 
years, more than that he came into the world to fine 
clothes and daint}^ food, he was soon cast adrift, he 
knows not by whom, or wh}^; has lived by his wits, 
sometimes well, oftener in miser}'-, and always haunted 
by the belief he is somebody ; some scraps of educa- 
tion he has picked up, and nature has bestowed on him 
an independent spirit, a mouthful of sense, and bushels 
of assurance. Nothing could be odder than old Philip 
was, wh}?- should not this be 3'oung Philip? 

Old PayJc. Do j^ou believe it? 

Mrs. Paylc. Every w^ord of it — the man himself is 
thoroughly persuaded of it. 



SCENE IL 

Enter Young Payksan. 

Young Payk. Now, mamma ! 

Old Payk. Or, are you party to a scheme of danger? 

Mrs. Payk. Danger ! Do \^ou think I have no more 
nerve than a man ? 

Old Payk. I tell you, an}' scheme to marry a son of 
mine to Miss Meadows is not respectable. 

\_Exit Old Payksan. 



SCENE III.] A COMEDY. 31 

SCENE III. 

Young Payk. Now, mamma ! 

Mrs. Paijk. Not respectable ! Wealth and prosperity 
not respectable ! Since when ? 

Young Payk. Now, mamma ! 

Mrs. Payk. Once get my lord to propose for Miss 
Tiegerly, for his nephew, and then, when Landaff ap- 
pears there is nothing in the way of this fledgling. 
Henry will be married oif ; Emily will be a poor girl 
till Landaff blows up ; and, before that happens, I 
will make her my daughter. When my daughter is 
an heiress, I am an heiress — no, I am an heir. I 
won't be diluted. Now, mamma, well ! 

Young Payk. I want to know whether I can be mar- 
ried without my consent. 

Mrs. Payk. Were not youborn without 3"0ur consent ? 

Young Payk. And, may be, I shall die without my 
consent. But what of that? 

Mrs. Payk. You silly thing, only fit to swing on a 
gate, what do you know of marriage ? Why, mar- 
riage is war. 

Young Payk. Mamma, that is nonsense. 

3Irs. Payk. Do I ever talk nonsense? I tell you, 
under the new system 

Young Payk. New sj^stem ! Now mamma, if you 
come to that. 

Mrs. Payk. Marriage is war — a system with three 
elements, debt, taxes, and heavy artillery. You pigmy, 
do 3' ou think marriage is a reel ? 

Young Payk. But, mamma, there is love ! 

Mrs. Payk. Love is a vulgar error. Wait till I 
have found a match for vou. 



32 WOMEN RULE. [ACT II. 

Young Payk. Then, I am to be matched like a 
horse. 

Mrs. Payk. Don't 3^011 know that's genteel ? It is 
so tlie people of quality make matches. Yon must 
not run about for one, as if you had been a charity 
child. 

Young Payk. And what does my heart run about for? 

Mrs. Payk. The heart is an organ useful to the cir- 
culation, but wholly destitute of moral significance. 
I see you must be set to rights, j^ou must be recon- 
structed. 

Young Payk. Mamma, I don't want to be recon- 
structed. 

Mrs. Payk. You must love on the New S3'stem — 
not like those heathens in the Pantheon. 

Young Payk. I choose to be in love in the natural 
way. 

3Irs. Payk. My dear, I do not choose 3'ou to be in 
love in an3^ wa3^, at all, till after the 12th of October, 
1860, and that is, let me see, twelve days sixteen 
hours and ten minutes off. 

Young Payk. Does love go by the clock ? 

Mrs. Payk. To be sure it does. What should it go 
by? — That and the multiplication table, 3^ou know. 

Young Payk. I am in love with Mrs. Winslove. 

Mrs. Payk. In love with a widow ? Look at me, sir, 
and think what 3'ou are saying. 

Young Payk. Ever3d)ody is in love with her. 

Mrs. Payk. You simpleton! That is a recommend- 
ation. 

Young Payk. She is so good, and so clever. Then, 
she is 3^oung and handsome. 

3Irs. Payk. No ! not voung. 



SCENE III.] A COMEDY. 33 

Young Payk. She is as J^oung as I am. 

Mi's. Payk. No, sir, she is much older; widows are 
never young. 

Young Payk. If I marry Mrs. Winslove, I shall be 
just my wife's age. 

3Irs. Payk. No, sir! 

Young Payk. I was born in 1838, and so was she. 

Mrs. Payk. That is not the way to count. Mrs. 
Winslove was married just six years ago ; she was one 
year married, and has been five years a widow; the 
one year married counts two; that is two, and the five 
years a widow count each four; five fours are twenty, 
that is twenty, and two make twenty-two ; and twenty- 
two more — j^ou say she was born in 1838 — that makes 
forty-four. Mrs. Winslove is forty-four years old. 

Young Payk. La! mamma, she don't look it. 

3l7^s. Payk. That is her age, exactl}^ \_Enter Serv- 
ant.] 

Servant. My lord will see Mrs. Pa3'ksan. 

Jfrs. Payk. I will be with his lordship, in an instant. 
[Exit Servant.] Sit down here, and improve j^our 
mind [pt^oducing a manuscript]. 

Young Payk. On the New System ? 

Mrs. Payk. Study this till I come back — or, try this! 
[changing ^Y] the same subject — from another stand- 
point. 

Young Payk. Mamma, is that the other pocket ? 

Mrs. Payk. Learn it by heart, sir. 

Young Payk. By my organ of circulation, mamma? 

Mrs. Payk. Don't forget what I have said to you. 

Young Payk. But, mamma, it has not the moral 
turn. 

Mrs. Payk. My dear, I ought to know best. 

[Exit Mrs. Payksan. 



34 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

SCENE lY. 

Young Paijk. I guess that is a vulgar error. Old 
spitfire ! She could pla}^ even with the devil. X^ry 
hard, I have to read her books. It is alwaj^s hard on 
a man, when his friends write books. But I won't lose 
a word of this ; so here ! \_stuffs it in his hat.'] What 
is the Secretary in such close talk with Mrs. TVinslove 
about ? I don't like to see that. [Exit. 

SCEXE Y. 

Enter from ivithout Yalentine and Mrs. Winsloye. 

Val. You think my love is too ambitious. 

Mi^s. Winsl. I never said so, Yalentine. 

Val. Julia, one who loves as I do, sues to possess a 
being he adores. Love, like mine, aspires, be the lover 
humble or exalted. 

3Irs. Wins!. To m}' eyes, Yalentine, j^ou were never 
humble. 

Val. Since first I beheld you, Julia — when first I 
took, in Lord Y^interly's household, the paltry- place, 
which now I have surrendered, to seek some better and 
worthier fortune, not an hour but my heart has knelt 
to you in silent adoration. My daily pra3^er to heaven 
has been, that, in this wide world, I should find some 
road to a success I could offer to share with 3'ou. 

3Irs. Winsl. But that is not 3"et. 

Val. When you did not turn from me ; when, bold 
though I was, j^ou deigned to hear the breathings of 
my love, mj'^ happiness seemed too much. And, now 
that I am to leave you, may^ I not ask to be assured 
you love me? To know that should I return, worthy 
of 3'our hand, I may not find it another's? 



SCENE v.] A COMEDY. 35 

3Irs. Winsl. Yalentine, you must know — I 

Val. Well, Julia? 

Mrs. Winsl. I have too often listened to you — oh, 
you must see 

Val. What, Julia? 

3l7's. Winsl. Unreasonable man! 

Val. Unreasonable! Oh, unreasonable world! — 
where love like mine can be listened to, and conven- 
tion bar the way to its being answered. My birth is 
unknown ; the strange mystery which hangs about me 
is — unknown it is, though, and you despise me. 

Mrs. Winsl. Xow, Yalentine, you must feel you are 
unjust. You leave next week for America — you ask 
to pledge me, and pledge me secretly ; for you could 
hardly mean my uncle should be informed of your 
proposals. You are unkind. 

Val. Unkind! 

Airs. Winsl. Hear me! I would be more than kind. 
I would be considerate. Go, unencumbered by pro- 
mises. 'Tis best. Why should you, to the struggle 
of life, bear with you a burden? A burden which, 
before we can meet again, may prove a burden you 
would cast off. 

Val. A burden! 

3Irs. Winsl. You may forget me. Men forget. No ! 
I ought not to accept your pledge. 

Val. Julia! 

Mrs. Wi7isl. You have m^^ answer! \^With emotion.'] 

Val. This little hand tells me, as it throbs, I have 
not yet my answer! Speak, Julia! once more? [^Kneels.'] 



36 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

SCENE YI. 
Enter Queen, softly^ from loithin. 

Queen. \_Aside.'\ Poor Mr. Valentine ! I would not 
have missed it for a guinea. 

3Irs. Winsl. \_To Valentine.] Hush! hush! You 
don't see ? 

Val. I rise not from j^our feet until — [seeing Queen] 
— What does the girl mean? 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, Queen! how can 3^0 u rush on one 
in that sudden wa}^? 

Queen. Ma'am, indeed, indeed, I made as much 
noise as I could, to make Mr. Valentine get up. He 
is deaf as a post. 

3Irs. Winsl. You are too bad. 

Queen. Upon m}^ heart, I am sorry, ma'am, I am 
indeed — but I catch the gentlemen so often. 

3Irs. Winsl. Queen, j^ou are incorrigible. 

Queen. It ought to be in the house, when they get on 
their knees; indeed, ma'am, it is but decent. I never 
saw it on a gravel walk before, in all my experience. 

3Irs. Winsl. What is it? What is the matter? 

Queen. Wh}^, ma'am, you bid me let you know when 
Mrs. Pa3^ksan was going away, and that is now, 
ma'am. My lord and she are coming out. 

3Irs. Wi7isl. Where is Mr. Henry ? 

Queen. In the library. 

3Irs. Winsl. Go! you baggage! Leave me, Valen- 
tine! 

\_Exeunt Valentine and Queen severally. 

SCENE VII. 
3Irs. Winsl. His heart is true and constant — and 
mine is? mine — mine is entangled — But Henry — Let 



SCENE VIII.] A COMEDY. 31 

me think of him — 'Tis phiiii from what in the park in 
the midst of his rage, my nncle, just now, let fall, 
he means — 'tis Mrs. Pa3^ksan's device, of course — 
to marry Henry out of Emily's wa}" — to find him a 
wife, whether he will or no. If Henry saw into their 
purposes, there would be no restraining him — But here 
are the conspirators. \_Exit. 

SCENE YIII. 

Enter from untliin Lord Winterly and Mrs. 
Payksan. 

Lord Win. Xo — it was not exactly Henry's fault, 
for he did not mean it; it was involuntar}^ 

Mrs. Pai/k. Oh, spontaneous combustion — fires will 
happen that way — it is never anybody's fault. But, 
he is deep in love. That is your lordship's judgment? 

Lord Win. That is m}^ judgment. 

Mrs. Payk. These studious youths, they meditate 
too much, melt too easil3^ That is your lordship's 
experience ? 

Lord Win. That is vny experience. 

Mrs. Payk. Indoors life, my lord, confined air, close 
rooms. That is 3^our lordship's view? 

Lord Win. If I had the plague of another boy to 
educate, I would send him to a public school where 
they keep the windows up. 

3Irs. Payk. To be sure ! fresh air. Who ever heard 
of a susceptible fox hunter ? There is ni}^ youngest, 
your lordship knows him; a tractable lad, innocent as 
a colt — he don't fox hunt, but alwaj^s jumping fences. 

Lord Win. Henr}^ don't fox hunt — I wish he would 
jump fences. 
4 



38 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

Mrs. Payk. Did 3'our lordship never read Miss Raw- 
bones ? Baiubones on the Candescence of the Human 
System — a work intended for the use of schools. 
Read it, my lord — you will see j^our nephew is in the 
semifluid state — like the inmates of a nunnery. 

Lo?'d Win. Possible? semifluid! 

Mrs. Payk. And, why not, your lordship ? What 
is the system, now, but fluids ? What are we made 
of? What becomes of people? Where are all your 
lordship's ancestors? When your lordship loses an 
ounce of flesh, where does it go, if it is not a fluid, that 
goes ofl" in a vapor ? 

Lord Win. I don't say much about it; but do j^ou 
know, in the last three weeks, m^^ S3^stem has lost four 
ounces ? It can't be the chalk mixture, can it ? — or 
the freckle-wash ? — No ? 

Mrs. Payk. Evaporation, my lord ! I don't say 
much about it, your lordship, but one of my trans- 
atlantic correspondents. Miss Torricellia Yacuum, a 
Rhode Island lady of rare endowments, is engaged in 
a series of experiments — the}^ are ph3^sical, my lord — 
the result of which will be to enable us, by a process 
of alternate evaporation and condensation, to eliminate 
all gaseous particles of the system, and reduce it to a 
residuum — in effect the new S3^stem, -which will be 
both malleable and ductile. 

Lord Win. That will be very satisfactor3\ Where 
did 3'ou sa3^ the island was ? 

Mrs. Payk. Rhode Island, m3^ lord. One of the 
States. I will show it to 3^our lordship on the map. 
Oh! a wonderful little countr3^, adjacent to Connecticut 
and contiguous to Massachusetts. Your lordship re- 
members, I cautioned 3^ou about Mr. nenr3^ 



SCENE YIII.] A COMEDY. 39 

Lord Win. Demure looks — liow they deceive! 

Mrs. Payk. I am no physiognomist, if what his 
system needs is not a sedative. 

Lord Win. Is it a powder ? I am so particular. 

Mrs. Payk. 'Tis a judicious marriage. 

Lord Win. Yes, you explained all that. 

3Irs. Payk. Marry him, mj^lord ! Don't let him dis- 
appoint 3"0ur lordship's just expectations. 

Lord Win. And j^ou would recommend Lord Tie- 
gerly's third daughter ? 

Mrs. Payk. She will make a first-class wife. 

Lord Win. Mag Tiegerlj- — Well! 

Mrs. Payk. And her father will make a first-class 
settlement ; he has a first-class income. 

Lord Win. Tiegerl}^ provides liberall}^ for his daugh- 
ters, 3"es — I feel resolved — will 3'ou see him for me ? 

Mrs. Payk. Immediatel}" — I am so pleased to see 
your lordship's mind at ease. 

Lord Win. Xo — I ought not to be kept uneas}'. The 
studious gentleman shall take a wife. I won't have 
him live in polj'gamy, with his books. 

J/?'8. Payk. Ha, ha! moral incontinence! How 
good, your lordship ! a system of pol^^gamy ! It 
amounts to it. He is gloomy as a Turk with a house 
full of wives. 

Lord Win. Ha, ha ! a library of them ! A seraglio 
of all languages ; no wonder he gets a little confused, 
Mrs. Payksan. 

3Irs. Payk. Confused ! So he does, 3'our lordship — 
bewilders himself. How your lordship sums up a ques- 
tion! You acquired the habit in your seat in Parlia- 
ment ! 

Lord Win. I never spoke. 



40 WOMEN RULE. [ACT II. 

Mrs. PaijJc. What a loss to the country ! The si- 
lence of our public men is a real calamity. Such energy 
of expression! Pol3'gamy! titles and estates don't 
come by that process ; nor talents neither. Ah ! the 
hereditary talent of the Winterl}' s. Your lordship's 
sarcasm is grand. 

Lord Win. I think it is telling. 

Mrs. Payh. Scathing, my lord, positively scathing ! 
Like a burst of American eloquence. I am told it has 
been in the family since before the discovery of America. 

Lord Win. Not so long as that. 

Mrs. Payk. Not so long — no, but it is often cited by 
us on the question of the gradual perfecting of the 
system. That subject was examined the other even- 
ing b}^ our moderator, a maiden lady of the most 
penetrating mind ; nothing escapes her. 

Lord Win. I dare say. 

Mrs. Payk. We are so delicate, always, when we get 
among the facts. 

Lord Win. Ha, ha ! You mean well, 3^ou ladies — 
but you are a little vigorous, when 3^ou get among 
the facts. You shall have the Winterly papers, my 
good friend, trunks of them — the}'' will help you. 

3Irs. Payk. They will be invaluable. We'll trace 
your lordship's system to the Silurian period — some 
distinguished Trilobite family. 

Lord Win. Trilobite ? — Our blood is Norman. 

Mrs. Payk. Oh, Norman, certainly — But, that don't 
stand in the way, your lordship — not the least — Now, 
I feel quite ashamed, but 3^our lordship is so generous, 
and our society is so poor — now, if you could spare us 
fifty pounds, it would so facilitate the pursuit of these 
delicate inquiries. 



SCENE VIII.] A COMEDY. 41 

Lord Win. Y'lity pounds ! My dear friend, con- 
sider. 

Mrs. Payk. Did I sa}^ fifty ? I meant fifteen ; did 
not I say fifteen, your lordship ? Whatever your lord- 
ship pleases — I meant that. 

Lord Win. My steward shall send 3^0 u a guinea. 

Mrs. Payk. Your lordship is too good. Our trea- 
surer, Miss Angel, a woman of the most pure and ex- 
alted mind, your lordship heard, perhaps, eloped last 
week with all our loose cash. 

Lord Win. Dear me ! A maiden lady ? 

Mrs. Payk. Yes, my lord, taking with her j^oung Mr. 
Easy, the handsome bookseller. 

Lord Win. How strange ! 

Mrs. Payk. Books again, your lordship ! Ah ! if we 
had a cheap literature, to correct the tone of the public 
mind. Got up in the Yankee manner — phoneticallj^ — 
I wish your lordship w^ould think of it. 

Lord Win. I hope Miss Angel had not any of the 
ten thousand pounds with her — the ten thousand 
pounds I lent you, at six per cent., from the Landaff 
accumulations. 

Mrs. Payk. Oh, no ! no ! ! I wish 3'our lordship 
good day. \_Going.'] So glad the gout's out of your 
s^^stem to-da}'. Should 3'ou have a return, don't omit 
the drops, yowv lordship. A tumblerful after the 
twinge, and 3'our lordship might abridge 3^our port 
and sherrj', half a wineglass each bottle. 

Lord Win. But 3'ou said m}^ S3^stem did not require 
that. 

Mrs. Payk. Oh, experimentall3^, 3^our lordship, ex- 
perimentally only. Congratulate 3"0ur lordship on 

4* 



42 WOMEN RULE. [ACT II. 

Mr. Heniy's prospects ! He will be all 3'our lordship 
could wish. 

Lord Win. Don't let the society touch on it — he 
is so queer. 

Mrs. Payh. Oh ! we respect Mr. Henry's organiza- 
tion ; we always respect your lordship's famil}^ Your 
lordship's chariot and servants were good enough to 
wait for me. Farewell, jowv lordship — adieu to yo\xv 
lordship ! Progress^ m}^ lord ! Energy and progress ! 
— and the New System — Miss Tiegerly shall be 3^our 
promised niece before night. \_Exit Mrs. Payksan. 

SCENE IX. 

Enter from ivithin^ as Mrs. Payksan goes off., talking^ 
Henry and Mrs. Winslove. 

Mrs. Winsl. \_Aside.'\ That tartar, Mag Tiegerly ! 
She is the fortunate woman — hey ? Now, if I can but 
keep Henry quiet Luckily, he did not hear. 

Lord Win. You are just in time, good people. You 
must think no more of what I said in the park, Henr}^ 
It was the gout in my S3^stem. I have something, 
now, will make 3'ou liapp3\ You have no notion 
what it is ? 

Mrs. Winsl. You will tell us, uncle. 

Henry. \_Aside.'\ Another scene ! 

Lord Win. You know — give me your attention, 
Henry — I shall add largely to my estate by vny mar- 
riage with Miss Meadows ; her income, not reckoning 
the produce of the Welsh mines to be opened next 
year— 

Mrs. Winsl. Henr^^ is acquainted with the rental of 
both estates, uncle. \_Beckons Henry to assent.'] 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 43 

Henry. Acquainted — Oh ! yes. 

Lord Win. Well, the point is this ; 3'Ou know, in 
case of vQ.y chdng without issue, not a probable event, 
but the remotest contingencies must be provided 
for, and your not marrjdng, the estates go over to 
those other people. 

Mrs. Wind. On failure of the male line of John de 
Winterly. 

Lord Win. Those beggarly Lacklands, you know? 
Henry. 

Mrs. Winsl. Nobody so familiar as Henry with 
pedigree. 'Tis one of your studies, brother. 

Lord Win. The Lacklands I Think of it, Henry ! 

Mrs. Winsl. The family tree withers at the thought. 
They come in, you know, Henry. 

Henry. Come in. Yes ! 

Lord Win. And, against them, I shall double lock 
the door. 

Henry. Certainl}^ ! 

Lord Win. By a double marriage. 

Henry. Marriage ? You said door ! 

Lord Win. You and I, Henry. 

Henry. Heavens, uncle ! 

Lord Win. We will take our wives the same day. 

Henry. Oh ! each a wife ! 

Lord Win. Two weddings, and one bell ringing. 

Mrs. Winsl. One bell ringing ! Your lordship was 
alwaj^s so frugal. Wait, Henry. 

Lord Vi^in. Right, Julia, we can be happy together. 

Henry. My lord 

Mrs. Winsl. Stay, Henry, stay I his lordship is going 
to tell us who your bride is. 



44 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

Lo7^d Win. 'Twill be an agreeable surprise. 

Henry. \_Aside.'] Torture ! 

Lord Win. I have been looking round. These 
things should be well considered. There are the Lank- 
tons. Two of those girls, though, have married with- 
out children. 

Mrs. Winsl. A most unpromising alliance. 

Lord Win. Kight, again, Julia. Then the six Plan- 
tagenets — one might find a wife for Henry among 
them, but they have a game look, those women have, I 
don't like. Too much temper there. 

Mrs. Winsl. And the seven Miss Snookes — they are 
such simpering nobodies, the Winterly blood would be 
thrown away on them. 

Lord Win. Kot to be thought of! Lord Twissle- 
ton's daughter has an inclination to a squint, and that 
is sometimes inherited. 

3Irs. Winsl. She would have nothing but an inclina- 
tion to a squint, uncle — Lord Twissleton is so poor, you 
know. A moment, Henry ! 

Lord Win. The Thornes are handsome girls, but 
they are all so deadly knowing. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, too cunning, by half ! I have often 
heard j^ou sa}^, uncle, what right has the same woman 
to be clever and handsome both ? 

Lord Win. Perfectl}^ true, my dear, a man is no- 
hody. I thought of Emily's friend and playfellow. 
Miss Primrose. She is a little beauty, and not at all 
clever. 

il/r8. Winsl. Pretty face! Well, enough to begin 
with. Patience, Henrj^ — But, as you were going to 
say, uncle, it is a dowry that — that fades a little every 
dav. 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 45 

Lord Win. Mj own idea, to a notch. It comes to 
this, nephew ; you see, I have given my whole mind 
to the subject. 

Henry. Uncle, 3- on will allow me 

Lord Win. Oh ! I will make you an allowance ; 
you and your little wife. 

Henry. My little wife! But, uncle, I must have 
time to consider a point so grave. It is so suddenly 
broached. 

Lord Win. Man, it is not sudden. We won't have 
you grave. Why, 'twill be ravishing ! Your wife at 
your side day and night — Select literature, English 
books and Yankee spelling — She shall read to you 
as long as 3^0 u can keep awake, and when you fall 
asleep disturb you with a kiss. 

Henry. Paradise, to be sure ! 

Lord Win. Paradise, with book-shelves. Think what 
a happy man your father Adam might have been, if he 
had had a good library. 

Heiwy. \_Breaking away from Mrs. Winslove's 
signs and dumb sliow.'] A word, uncle. 

Mrs. Winsl. Now, not a word, Henry. 

Henry. A word, uncle, before you go further. 

Lord Win. To the purpose, sir. 

Henry. Hear me, uncle. I have never thought of 
marrying — whatever has been said to the contrarj-. 

, Mrs. Winsl. No, he never entertained such a scheme; 
that I know, uncle ! But Henry — 

Henry. Excuse me, Julia ! Uncle, I never thwarted 
you ! 

Lord Win. And will not now. 

Henry. You must be aware I would not do so 
lightly. 



46 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

Lord Win. I hear 3^011, sir. 

Henry. I have given 3^011 little pain ; let me sa3^ 3-011 
could not give me so much as by pressing this pro- 
ject. I hope it -will be dropped. I cannot be recon- 
ciled to it. Pardon me if I say nothing can move me. 

Lord Win. Do 3"0u know, sir, according to learned 
societies, robustness of the S3''stem — mind and bod3", 
have been, for generations, hereditary in this family ? 

Heni-y. Hereditary virtues are a pleasing pheno- 
menon. 

Lord Win. And are traced b3^ them to judicious 
marriages. 

Henry. Their applause is to be coveted. 

Mrs. Winal. Uncle, I think I could 

Lord Win. Be still, Mrs. Manager — and fresh air — 
not parboiling the S3'stem with stud3^ Do you want 
to evaporate ? Do 3"0u know, sir, 3^ou are in the semi- 
fluid state, and a judicious marriage may restore 3^ou? 

Mrs. Winsl. Now, uncle, a moment — 3^ou, who are 
so judicious. 

Lord Win. Be quiet, Julia! I was admonished 
against you, sir. Mrs. Pa3ivsan told me how it would 
be. 'Sdeath ! Give me a 3'oung fellow that pla3^s the 
devil, and don't read and write. 

Henry. My lord, this grows too ridiculous. 

3Irs. Winsl. I could cry with vexation. 

Lord Win. Put not 3^our faith in scholars. The3^ 
are neither malleable nor ductile. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, that Mrs. Pa3'ksan, and the rest of 
her gang ! The Sessions ought to interfere, and pre- 
vent their running at large. They are too meddle- 
some. Uncle, you are a pre3^ to that woman. She 
governs the house. 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 4Y 

Lord Win. And usurps your prerogative, madam — 
is that it ? Why, sir ? Whj^, will nothing move you ? 
Move, indeed ! hah ! the pain you feel, when you are 
invited to do your duty, and perpetuate the family — 
Tell me, sir — when did you begin to feel that pain ? 
Oh, I see! Silence is the trick of the machiner}^ 
Standing mute, like the map of the world, or the sun- 
dial, or an}' of your damned library furniture ! 

Henry. My lord, you expose j^ourself. 

Mrs. Winsl. Uncle, uncle, had not you better tell us 
who the lady is ? 

Lord Win. Is not he in love with Emily ? 

3Irs. Winsl. Did he ever tell you so ? Did he ever 
tell her so ? 

Lo7xl Win. He is a dangerous young man. 

3Irs. Winsl. Whoever takes a wife — pardon me, fny 
lord — 3^our birthda}^ is in the peerage, part of the his- 
tory of England — fort}^ 3'ears too young for him, will 
find there are a great many dangerous young men. 

Lord Win. Would they dare ? 

3Irs. Winsl. Dare ! It is you who dare. It is joii 
who break the law. 

Lord Win. Let that young gentleman, if he can, 
break the negotiation I have opened with Lord Tie- 
gerly for his daughter's hand. 

Henry. Young gentlemen negotiate for themselves — 
young ladies too. 

3Irs. Winsl. Miss Tiegerl}' — Oh, my dear uncle ! 
Mrs. Pajdisan said as much, when she curtsied so low 
her adieus, and her voice ran up and down, with her 
salaams and reverences. Oh, Mag Tiegerly — lovel}^, 
extravagant person — charmiug, indeed! 

Henry. Wb}^, Julia ! 



48 WOMEN RULE. [aCT II. 

Mrs. Winsl. Famous girls, the Tiegerl3^s — but, with 
Miss Meadows' great fortune, you will be so rich, j^ou 
will bear the whole weight of the new establishment, 
and never feel it. 

Lord Win. Why should I shoulder that ? Tiegerly 
will do for his daughter what he has done for the other 
two. 

Mrs. Winsl. Lord Tiegerl}^ ! What do j^ou look for 
from him ? Then j^ou have not heard of his embar- 
rassments ? Oh ! m}^ poor uncle. You did not know 
he was ruined ? 

Lord Win. Hey? What? 

Mrs. Winsl. You had not heard it? It has just 
come out that, for years past, he has been going be- 
hindhand, and now, owing to losses at play, and on 
the turf, extravagances in building, expensive living, 
contesting seats in Parliament for his sons, establish- 
ing his daughters, and heaven knows what — things 
have come to a head, and his estate will be in the 
hands of trustees before he is a week older. 

Lord Win. Here, somebody ! \_Enter a Servant.] 
See if Mrs. Paj'ksan is gone — stop her ! 

Servant. Mrs. Paj^ksan drove over to Lord Tiegerly's 
in your lordship's own coach. She left about ten 
minutes ago. [Exit Servant.] 

Lord Win. A pretty coach she leaves me in. I shall 
be ruined — I am ruined ! I am in trustees' hands ! 

\_Cheering heard without.'] \_Enter a Servant with 
a card which he hands Lord Winterly.] 

Lord Win. [Reads.'] Mr. Philip Landaff. 

Omnes. Mr. Philip Landaff. 

Lord Win. Where is the fellow ? 

Servant. In a hackne}' coach, at the inner gate, my 
lord, a crowd following. 



SCENE X.] A COMEDY. 49 

Mrs. Winsl. Uncle, you must have heard the report 
he was coming. 

SCENE X. 

Enter Landaff speaking to the crowd icithoid, and 
followed bij a person hearing a box of papers. 

Land. [ To the crowd.'\ Stand back, my good fellows! 
Being your landlord is no reason for smothering me ; 
an}^- other time, my friends ! Not now — some other 
time — this afternoon ! The rascals, I am not a public 
man yet, to be at ever\ijody's service, and hailed and 
boarded in this wa}^ Which is Lord Winterly ? Ah ! 
tliere is no mistaking j^our lordship. 

Lord Win. Who are 3'ou, sir ? 

Land. I speak \)y the card, your lordship sees that. 
The rest these papers will tell. 

Henry. I will look at them, uncle. 

Lord Win. See where he comes from. 

Land. 'Tis an vigly question, that ; more shame to 
other people ! I ought to have been fished up, long- 
ago, from among the sharks and gudgeons 3^ou left me 
to swim with. 

3Irs. Winsl. My lord, won't you see this gentleman 
within ? 

Land. I am on dry land now, among my native 
oaks. Gad ! the sight is refreshing. Out of misery at 
a single jump. Zounds! but it is a change from 
where they found me. No civilized thing down there. 
Not a scrap of agriculture, commerce, or manufoc- 
tures, that had not been shipwrecked first. 

Lord Win. Wlw, 'tis a sea-monster come to plague 
us. 

Land. Metaphorically — that is all. Soy. my lord, 
5 



50 WOMEN IIULE. [act II. 

you know — I am descriptive to excess. If j^oiir lord- 
ship were dispai'ked, and then reparked again, you 
would be metaphorical. 

Lord Win. Young man 

Land. Young man ! Young gentleman. Come, 
come ! my lord, twenty thousand a 3^ear is patrician. 

Lord Win. What is to be done with the fellow ? 

Land. Fellow, my lord ! Lost heirs of prouder titles 
than your own have been rummaged for in fouler 
depths than I was found in. I stand upon my right, 
and am no fellow. 

Henry. Here is a letter from 3'our lordship's solicit- 
ors. Shark & Company [liands it to Lord Winterly]. 
And here, Julia, is Mrs. Pa3ds:san's finger. From one 
of these letters it seems she has been carr3dng on a 
correspondence of her own with Shark & Compan3^ as 
to this person's identit3\ What can that mean ? 

Mrs. Winsl. Won't 3^our lordship see Mr. Landaff's 
papers within doors ? 

Land. Madam, I humbly thank you. 

Lord Win. Young man 

Land. Again ? Two to one on young gentleman 
^bowing conteniptuoushj'] ! till, my lord, I am an old 
gentleman ! 

Henry. These papers appear to have been all, with- 
out exception, in the hands of 3"our lordship's soli- 
citors. 

Mrs. Winsl. Shall I send for Miss Meadow^s ? 
. Lord Win. Send for Mrs. ra3ivsan ! Young gentle- 
man, walk in ! 

Land. My lord, I follow ; I am but a shadow 3^et. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, perhaps not. Come, nenr3M 



SCENE X.] A COMEDY. 51 

Henry. Emily portionless ! What should my uncle 
want with a penniless consort ? 'Tis the vase he 
covets, not the flower. 

This cloudy morn^ that rose so black and grim. 
May fill my cup of fortune to the brim! 



END OF ACT II. 



52 WOMEN RULE. [ACT III. 



ACT III. 

SCENE I. 

An apartment at Lord Winterly's. 
Landaff ai a table ivith wine. 
Land. \_Drinks.'\ What a shuffle it is, when a man 
gets all trumps ! M}^ dawn was to wealth and luxury, 
and, damme ! I always thought they might come back ; 
but here, as poor Hexameter would say, here is a meri- 
dian si:)lendour of unlooked-for brightness. Gilded 
apartments, good wine, lands, tenements, and a pedi- 
gree ; a chest full of India bonds and exchequer bills : 
" the neighbours on tip-toe to be at me, the household 
" of Lord Winterly vicing to make fair weather with 
" me — Fair weather with a man, who three days ago 
" did not know his own name, and at a salary of 
" twelve pounds, filled the place of prose-writer to a 
" patent medicine ! the poet had twent}^ — Why look 
" into darkness ? here is sunshine!" [^Drinhs.'] That 
to the memor}^ of my respectable uncle ; and may the 
lawyers never bring him back ! It must be an affec- 
tionate famil}^ not to be disconcerted, if the head of 
the house came back, after they had gone into mourn- 
ing, and taken possession of the estate. Ha, ha! my 
uncle must not do that. We will drink deep to his 
repose. [Drinks tivice.'] Xo more of this, pah ! 
Thirst is plebeian. An3^bod3' can drink. Your beg- 
gar's throat is capable as a duke's. [Bings, and 
enter a Servant.] Here, friend ! take off this tempter. 



SCENE IT.] A COMEDY. 53 

Cany awfi}^ the serpent, and lock bim up in the cellar. 
I inherit from a remote female ancestor a certain 
slowness to resist temptation — and, do you hear ? take 
care of yourself! don't disturb that stopper. Wine ? 
— yes ! If truth lies in a well, so do health and long- 
life. Wine is tribulation, you dog — cold water's 
logic and philosophj^ Drink plenty of cold water, the 
beverage of your progenitors, till they took to going- 
out to service, and studied vice and iniquit}^ among 
their betters. Go — regale — swallow a demijohn in 
pint bumpers to the curate — Go! [Exit Servant ivitJi 
ivine.^ Let me see — here is this bewitching widow — - 
all the country in love with her — widow, I believe, but 
I will inquire. What shall I? hum — Then, the cursed 
acco'unts of this miserly old peer, he is so sore about. 
Well ! let him miscount a little — why should not one's 
man of business do that, when he is a lord and a fool, 
too? 

SCENE II. 

Enter Queen. 
Queen. Please, sir, my mistress— — - 



Land. Can't hear jow^ my dear. 

Queen, Mrs. Winslove, sir, got 3^our message™ 

Land. Can't hear. 

Queen. Bat will not be able to receive 3'our honour^- 

Land. Can't hear a word yow say. Come close ! 

Queen. [Apiwo aches.'] My mistress, sir^^ — - 

Land. That is a good distance. [Kissing /ier.] 

Queen. [Struggling.'] Let me go ! I must not be 

treated so! Hardly a gentleman that comes to the 

house treats me so ! 

Land. What a serious famil}- ! 
5* 



54 "WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

Queen. I Tvon't be kissed — 3-011 take great liberties. 

Land. Poll, j^oh ! I take nothing 3- oii've not plenty 
of. But here, m3^ dear, here's the cure for the heart- 
ache. \_Offersahanh note.'] Come, come! take it. 

Queen. Sha'n't. 

Land. Swallow it down ! 'Tis infallible. \^Holding 
it at ami's length.'] 

Queen. [Stretching her ai^m to receive it, andjndting 
it in her tjosoni.] These promises to paj'- — I can't help 
sometimes believing 'em. 

Land. But, I sa3^ ! 

Queen. [Curtsying.] Sir! 

Land. Don't keep it in there, m3^ dear! 

Queen. Oh ! 'tis safe, sir, in there. 

Land. Not when 3^ou are so handsome. 

Queen. Thank 3'ou, sir ! 

Land. Sorry 3^our mistress cannot see me. Here 
comes the Secretaiy. Good b3^e ! Get along, my 
dear, and take care of your mone3^, and 3^our money 
will take care of 3'ou. [Exit Queen. 

SCENE III. 

Enter Talentine. 

Val. [Aside.] Coarse fellow ! Hum — a coarse world. 
[Bitterly.] 'Tis to3'ing with the maid that is in suits 
with it, not kneeling to the mistress. Wh3'^ don't I 
conform? What were the lowl3^ made for? — Was it 
ever seen that a fellow like me, steeped in poyert3^ 
and insignificance, could bring honour and virtue in 
fashion ? 

Land. Ila ! m3' friend setting out to seek a fortune 
among the flats and sharps of America. I appeal to 
3^ou. You shall decide. 



SCENE IIT.] A COMEDY. 55 

Val. I am all attention. 

Land. Your draft for monej' — that is the draft to 
take, he}^ ? Money ! What is life without it ? 

Val. 'Tis a debated point. 

Land. By Jove, it has undergone eloquent debate 
here. 

Val. I interrupted ? 

Land. No, no ! For example, take away my twenty 
thousand a 3'ear, and make me the handsomest man 
in England — What of that ? or the wittiest — what of 
that? Place? birth? rank? — Pshaw! There must be 
a cup to contain your joy, and that is gold. Well! 
sorry 3'ou are to leave us. Leave us! I am at home, 
3^ou see, already. Twenty thousand a 3^ear is at home 
everywhere. 

Val. 'Tis a venal world. 

Land. Not a mother of an unmarried daughter in 
the fort3^-two counties, but would fain domesticate me ! 
And 3^ou are ofi'for America — I have been in America. 
Out there you'll see the sun do his duty — you'll see 
him shine. He gets up to his work of a morning, fresh 
and ros}', not sulking, as he comes to it in this damned 
foggy island, looking as melancholy as a worn-out 
shilling. The Yankee sun would be swapped away, if 
he did not shine. 

Val. Fortune is a woman ; I have to chase her round 
the globe. She runs after 3'ou to shower you with 
favours. You are a lucky man. 

Land. Lucky man — IIow j^ou talk ! I am a deserv- 
ing man, and Virtue is a prig to be ashamed of me. 
The anvil has as hard work as the hammer, has not 
it ? Your poor devil who is beaten flat by all sorts of 
bad luck, don't he deserve the good luck that comes 
at last? There is m}- diploma. 



56 WOMEN RULE. [aCT ITI. 

Vnl. You have taken a degree. 

Land. Many an underhand fellow, with a contrite 
face and a college degree, has done less work, and more 
shabb}' things in his curriculum, than I. I tell j^ou, 
Secretaiy, people live under mountains of conceal- 
ment ! Half the world, men and women, are transpa- 
rent h3'pocrites — but who is to cast the first stone at 
hypocrisy ? 

Val. 'Tis the prevailing vice. 

Land. And wh}"? 'Tis the most profitable — wears 
the best, improves with age, like wine ; consolidates 
itself, and becomes respectable. Twenty thousand a 
3'ear ought to save a man a mint of h3q30cris3^ But I 
want to consult you — I am a little in love, in high 
life. 

Val. When a man's licad is turned his heart goes 
round with it. 

Land. 'Faith, m}^ planetar3^ S3'stem to a hair. Your 
heavenl3" bodies move casil3^, and none can tell why. 
Unaccountable, these fimcies, Mr. Secretar3\ The fall 
of a woman's voice, a lisp, a look, the chance touch of 
a soft hand, or glimpse of a well turned leg — and flash ! 
3^our man's in love, when ma3' be all the management 
in the world would not have brought him to it. 
Strange! — Do 3^ou know, they sa3^ a man's most de- 
vouring love is the love for an ugly woman ! 

Val. Ah! then, this lad3'' — she is rather plain? 

Land. By no means — Mrs. Winslove ! 

Val. Mrs. Winslove?! 

Land. Xow, I wanted to ask — for I must not run 
foul of the bills of mortalit3' — Winslove is dead, isn't 
he? 

Val. How, sir ? 



SCENE III.] A COMEDY. 5t 

Land. Zounds! the usual way — There is but one. 
VaJ. Dead ? Oh, yes ! Of course. 
Land. If the lady is a widow, I must uot ask when 
she expects her husband. 

Val. \_Aside.'\ The brute ! \_AJoud.'] Your idea is, 
that is it may be — or is it 3'our idea ? — to offer your 
hand, and the head of Landaff House, to Mrs. Wins- 
love ? 

Land. Hum — I would not like to disappoint the 
lad^^, but I can't say that. I am no escaped Canary, to 
fly into the first open cage. We'll see about it — Can't 
see to-morrow till the curtain draws — but, I tell 3'ou 
that widow has a fancy for me. 
Val. And j'ou reciprocate ? 

Land. Mr. Secretary, I have a strong sense of gra- 
titude. 

Val. [Ai^ide.'] Enormous pupp}^ ! 
Land. So I will encourage Mrs. Winslove. Reason- 
able encouragement — out of gratitude, j^ou know — that 
is all. Then, too, I must have something on hand, or 
I shall be run down. 

Val. \_Aside.'\ He takes my breath away. \_Aloud.'\ 
No doubt 3^ou will be in demand, but wh}^ not throw 
}'our handkerchief to some nice little girl ? 

Land. I have no turn for infanticide — Besides, Mr. 
Secretary, I never talk through interpreters — not I — 
like the American ambassaclor at some foreign court. 
No, no, I won't be interpreted ! papa, mamma, and all 
the family translating me, and a man in twent}^ damned 
scrapes, wdien he means nothing. I don't play touch 
and take. 

Val. \_Aside.'] I shall choke. \_Aloud.'] Ha, ha ! your 
widow translates for herself. 



58 WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

Land. There is no translating about it, m}^ good fel- 
low ! She understands English — that is all — Gad ! 
and how to lunge too. By the lord, you must have 
your eye about you, if you fence with a widow. I re- 
sjDect widows — don't you ? — All's on the square. A 
woman that has had a husband or two is like a man 
who has sown his wild oats, the fantastical and frothy 
has been all blown awa}^ ! I shall do very well with 
Mrs. Winslove — Don't you think so ? 

Val. I think }• on will be dealt with according to }■ our 
deserts. 

Land. I ask no more. But I must be off, to Lord 
Winterl}'. Combustible old boobj^ ! I must not keep 
him waiting. He is to present me to my little charge. 
Miss Meadows. She has the luck of queer tutors — 
has not she? Come, I will talk to j^ou of Mrs. Wins- 
love, as I go along. 

Val. And if yov\ do, it must be the language of de- 
corum. I would have 3'ou know I am indebted for 
much kindness to this famil3\ I cannot listen to lan- 
guage about any of them so indecorous as yours ! 

Land. You astonish me — How blind 3'Ou are! I 
talk in the abstract. Don't j^ou see I am an abstrac- 
tionist ? I talk of the genus widow, not of Mrs. Wins- 
love. 

Val. Let it be with respect, then. 

Land. Bespect! Wh}^, man, I have the most unlim- 
ited respect for every member of the family. 

Val. If 3^ou respect worth, take care j^ou show it, 
sir. 

Land. It shall be a lamp to ni}^ feet — yours too — 
we'll sail}' out together — you and I will — and hunt 
up an honest man ; we'll find the man that old Phry- 



SCENE IV.] A COMEDY. 59 

gian fable-monger could not find, when he took a light 
and looked for him, a few — how long was it ? — a few 
thousand years ago ! We will, my boy ! 

VaL Am I to listen to such pitiful stuff? 

Land. Now, keep cool — do — Do you think j^ou are 
in the hot latitudes when you are in 54° in Yorkshire? 
What an education ! Why, when you get among the 
Yankee parallels, you won't know the hub of the uni- 
verse from the horns of the moon — Your navigation will 
come to a baulk, like that first Yankee's, Christopher 
Columbus, who sailed for the East Indies, and never 
got further than the West Indies — But the man has 
lived on it ever since — Did not I tell yow he was a 
Yankee ? 

Val. Trifler ! What do you take me for ? 

Land. Now, don't be cross — I take you for a good 
fellow — Don't quarrel with me ! Come along ! 

\_Exeunt. 

SCENE lY. 

Enter Mrs. Winslove and Emily. 

Mrs. Winsl. My dear Emily, yes, I will speak to 
him, to be sure I will, my child, but so must you. 

Emily. I must speak to Mr. Landatf, myself? 

3Irs. Wins!. Nothing so easy ! Explain the state 
of your feelings. Be plain — the simpler the better — 
Just as, with that pretty face, ni}^ dear, it would be, if 
you were dressing for a ball. 

Emily. They tell me he is such a strange person. 

Mrs. Winsl. No matter. Breaking 3^our match de- 
pends on him ; a word from Mr. Landaif, and Lord 
Winterlj^ will be too glad to bow himself ofi^. 

Emily. Do 3^ou really think so ? 



GO WOMEN RULE. [ACT III. 

Mrs. Winsl. Many a match is repented before it 
takes place, as much as after ; — but marriage — when 
you come to it, my dear — is rough discipline, and mar- 
ried people are like a jurj^, they are locked up to make 
them agree. You and m^^ lord can't as j-et be treated 
in that way, you know. You can separate hy mutual 
consent. 

Emily. Mine is a sad dilemma. 

Mrs. Winsl. Not a bit of it — See, my child — the 
ante-nuptial dilemma is where the gentleman would be 
off, but not so the la^y. Now, you would not have 
my uncle, were he a duke, with the rent roll of all 
England ; and m}^ uncle would not have you (if he 
could help it), without a rent roll, were you the pret- 
tiest thing in all England. There's mutuality — com- 
fort yourself — you are in no dilemma. 

Emily. Julia, I look to you. 

Mrs, Winsl. My child, depend on me! 

Emily. I will do m}^ best ; but see, I really tremble. 
I have been kept back so, I am good for nothing. 

Mrs. Winsl. That is your mistake, my dear. The 
mistake is not in keeping j^oung persons back, but 
bringing them forward. Oh, I can't abide 3^our enter- 
prising young women ; and I am sure no sensible man 
can respect them. 

Emily. Mr. Landaff may be a sensible man ; but, 
indeed, I am ashamed to think what we are going to 
say to him, and I have such a tell-tale face. 

Mrs. Winsl. Commend me to a tell-tale face! The 
tongue is a false creature — the face speaks the truth. 
And what are we going to sa}'? Nothing but that 
3'ou don't incline to a sweetheart old enough to be 
your grandfather. 



SCENE IV.] A COMEDY. Gl 

Emily. I shall blush to see Mr. Laiidaff. 

3Irs. Winsl. Xever mind. Blushing will do 3^ou no 
harm with the men ; 'tis a confession of weakness in 
us which their pride converts into a compliment to 
their superiority. Remember, Emily, modesty is wo- 
man's dignity, as weakness is her strength. 

Emily. I wish I could be braver. 

Mrs. Winsl. You are brave enough, my pretty beg- 
gar ! Xow that 3^our fortune has gone to Mr. Landaff, 
and the control of 3'ou, too, a single word from him 
dispels the mist. 

Emily. Julia, 3^ou will stand b}'' me. 

Mrs. Winsl. My dear, could I desert a friend ? 

Emily. I know you could not ; you are so true, and 
3^ou have always been so kind to me, and, all your 
lovers together, could not love 3^ou more than I do. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, lovers are selfish people. When 
friendship is not hollow, which by the way, my dear, 
is seldom, 'tis better than love. I adore a generous 
3^oung heart like ^^ours, and I would shame to think I 
was unworthy the confidence you repose in me. Cheer 
up, and all will be well. 

Emily. You are too good. I will try not to be 
abashed. 

3Irs. Winsl. Pass, as quietly as 3^ou can, under the 
new yoke, and we will see whether Mr. Landaff won't 
clear jom of the last splinter of the old one. Don't 
be troubled, my dear. 

Emily. But you will negotiate with this creature ! 
You have my full powers. 

Mrs. Winsl. Rely on me — and on yourself! Here 
they are. 
6 



62 WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

SCENE Y. 
Enter Lord Winterly and Landaff. 

Lord Win. Emily, this is Mr. LaiidafF, your near 
relative, who, when the lawyers' arrangements are 
jnacle, will possess the control over your person con- 
ferred by your late uncle's will. His parental position 
challenges your esteem — [^aside] mine too — I shall owe 
him ten thousand pounds ! 

Land. The parental kiss, my lord — 'tis the kiss of 
condescension — is on the forehead, between the eyes, 
as near them as possible. \_Kisses Emily.] 

Lo7xl Win. Upon my word ! 

Land. Your lordship must have read much on oscu- 
lation? There are many rules — the subject has been 
so much considered. 

3Irs. Winsl. [To Emily]. Don't be disturbed, my 
dear ! 

Land. Now, the kiss of respectful gallantry, is on 
the reverse of the lady's hand. ^Offers to take Mrs. 
Winslove's hand.'] No ? [aside'] Hint to be private — 
right. But why did not they leave me her, instead of 
little Meadows ? [Aloud to Mrs. Winslove.] I sa- 
lute you, madam, reverentially; I bow from the in- 
most recesses of profound regard. I rejoice that a 
lady, whose charming qualities I am taught to respect, 
should assist at the introduction to m}^ interesting and 
amiable charge. 

Lord Win. And docile, Mr. Landaff. 

Land. I see, timid, my lord, over-educated perhaps ; 
learning is a heavy load for a woman. 

Lord Win. Excess of diffidence, that is all ; not a 
common fault with the sex. 

Land. Oh ! 'tis a good fault that. The}^ go a little 



SCENE v.] A COMEDY. 03 

blind with it sometimes, and don't see blemishes — 
Take care of a woman's eye — a woman's e^^e is so 
quick on a blemish ! 

3Irs. Winsl. Diffidence, Mr. Landaif, is a weakness 
men of your merit do not condemn, I am sure. 'Tis 
sometimes put on, but, to my young friend here, 'tis 
as natural as the hue of the lil3\ 

Land. Condemn, ma'am ? I condemn nothing that's 
feminine ; but does not my ward's weakness show more 
in tlie rose than the lily ? 

Enter a Servant. 

Servant. Mrs. Pajdvsan, mj^ lord, is below. 

Mrs. Winsl. There she is again ! Uncle, if she comes 
np, Emily and I leave 3"0u. 

Lord Win. You must know her, Mr. LandafT, mon- 
strous clever woman — a most interesting person, quite 
in 3^our own wa}' — 3^ou will like her — straightforward, 
and all that ; wants only a fair division, men and 
women, share and share alike. Fie ! Julia ! Your 
prejudice is inveterate. 

Land. Mine too, my lord. This kind. of clever wo- 
men remind me always of that clever dog lago — "robs 
me of that which not enriches " — what is that he saj^s 
about stealing what jou can't use? Oh ! I agree with 
Mrs. WinsloA^e. 

Lord Win. Mrs. Payksan will convince 3^ou injus- 
tice is a crime. 

Land. Oh! I agree with Mrs. Pajivsan too — and 
she shall have my razors — as soon as she has a beard. 

Mrs. Winsl. [ To Emily.] My dear, he is getting 
eloquent. Uncle, would not 3"0u receive Mrs. Pa3disan 
down stairs? 

Lord Win. You are as fond of having 3'our wa3'. 



64 WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

madam, as Mrs. Pa^'ksan can be. [To the Servant.] 
Say to Mrs. Pa3^ksan I will see her below. [ To Lan- 
DAFF.] You won't follow ? 

[^Exeunt Lord Winterly and Servant. 

f 

SCENE TI. 

Mrs.Winsh [ToLandaff.] Don't go, pray ! Do re- 
main, and disappoint Mrs. Paj^ksan, not us. 

Land. \_Aside.'] Plump enough that — judicious 
too — very — \_Aloud.'] Oh! joxx are right enough about 
this old girl. Women must not mistake their gender — 
but 3'our middle-aged ho3Tleu is the xevy devil — I hate 
women in men's parts — and such parts — female Dick 
Turpins that call for ^^our mone}^ and 3^our trousers 
too — Shocking vulgar commodities! I would play 
high tariff, and lay a tax on such wares amounting to 
a prohibition — It could stand as part of the revenue 
sj^stem till they get into the Legislature and repeal it 
themselves. 

Mrs. Winsl. Yes, 3'es ! we have yonv idea — jovl 
are explicit. 

Land. Give me a woman that is rather helpless — 
that 's if she is not a widow — 'Tis a good sign — a 
good thing too. Cultivates a man. A man 's demol- 
ished when the women help themseh-es. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh ! we have 3'our views. 

Land. I don't like a grabbing woman. I like now 
and then to give ni}^ place to a woman, but I don't like 
to be driven out of it, b}' some sour-faced jade that looks 
daggers at me till she gets it — That is Yankee cultiva- 
tion, f 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, we understand perfecth', Mr. Lan- 
daff, perfectl}^ ; 3^ou are for the unprotected — the com- 



SCENE VI.] A COMEDY. G5 

forter of distressed cLimscls — You take up their cause. 
[Aside.'] Xow, Emil}^ 

Land. Gad! Well, not alwa^-s. 

Mrs. Winsl. I hope I am not wrong? 

Land. Wrong, madam ? I would take my oath j^ou 
are never wrong — but what damsels ? 

3£rs. Winsl. [Aside.'] Emily! 

Emily. You see them, sir! 

Land. What! [To Emily.] Are 3'ou distressed too, 
my dear? 

Emily. Oh, to a sensible man, Mr. Landaff, I can't 
be too plain about the state of m^^ feelings — The 
simpler the better. 

Land. [Aside.] The gypsy ! That is her diffidence. 
Both of them, hey? [Aloud.] You could not come one 
at a time? [Aside.] Never knew the woman 3^et that 
could endure you to comfort another woman. [Aloud 
to Emily.] You could not step aside ? [Aside.] Awk- 
ward, this. [Aloud.] My dear, [to Emily] j^ou must, 
yes, you must go down stairs. Tell Payksan I will 
see her presently, at the/e^e, I will be sure not to dis- 
appoint her — unless, by Jove, some more damsels come 
— but, give her the message ! Go, you keep Mrs. Wins- 
love waiting. 

Emily. Mrs. Winslove — Mr. Landaff? 

Land. Don't 3^ou see she has something to sa}^ ? 

Emily. But it is for me, Mr. Landaft', it is for me, 
she speaks. Let me sta}^ ! — Oh, I am in such trouble. 

Mi^s. Winsl. Do hear EmiljM poor girl, I am sure 
you will feel for her. 

Land. Not an atom — madam. But, on my soul, I 
flattered myself — No ? 

il/rs. Winsl. What does this mean? 
G* 



66 WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

Land. Nothing of your own? Possible? 
JIfr.s'. Winsl. Deuce take the man! Hear me, Mr. 
Laudaff, Emily's troubles are mine, and I have no 

other. Let her assure you through me | 

Land. \_Aside.'\ Proxy for Meadows ? Why 'tis a I 
business operation. Commercial — by Jove! Bad — as > 
little Da3^book, w^ho kept copies of his love letters, and f 
despatched them in duplicate ! Curse me, but I '11 • 
close the books. [Aloud.'] Miss Meadows — I am con- 
servative — thoroughly — the landed interest generall}^ - 
is — Here is a match ordered by my uncle j^ears ago, 
the man is a Tiscount and a dunce, large estate, little 
mind, life gone — wellnigh — What could be better ? 
Mrs. Wind. Mr. Landaft', hear Emily! 
Land. She must hear me. 
Emily. Oh, dear Mr. Landaff ! 

Land. [^Aside.'] I must put a stop to this diffidence. 
\_Aloud.'] Miss Meadows, you take too much for grant- 
ed, a damned deal too much. I am in the lawj^er's 
hands j^et — have not possession of my estate; then 
w^hen I have, I must rest myself, and look about ; I 
have not made my mind up — in short, I will not be 
run awa}^ with — b}^ the Lord I won't! 
Mrs. Winsl. Mr. Landaff! 
Emily. Mr. Landaff! 

Land. I wish it understood, I don't mean to marry 
for the present. 

3Irs. Winsl. But, sir! Marry, sir? 
Land. That is my resolution. No matter why. Per- 
haps I am engaged. Perhaps I have had a disappoint- 
ment. 

J/rs. Winsl. This is too much. 

Land. Perhaps I am not a marr3'ing man. Then 



SCENE VT.] A COMEDY. G1 

how do you know I am not a married man? Zookers! 
if I had come down here without a trumpeter, the wo- 
men would have liad an inquest upon that matter first. 
No, I won't be hurried. My dear, po Miss Meadows] 
3^0 u must not think of me. 

Mrs, Winsl. Mr. Landaif, this is too ridiculous. 

jEmihj. Shocking, my dear. 

Land. Shocking? Ridiculous? 

J/?'6'. Winsl. Mr. Landaff, Emily would have you 
interpose for her with Lord Winterly — that is all. 
There seems to be a little mistake. 

Emily. Yes, sir — a little mistake. 

Land. [_Aside.'] The jades. I see — I am bit! lalwa^^s 
carried a sail too much. 

3L's. Winsl. Let me put you right, Mr. Landaff. 

Land. I am right now ! ! Damnation ! 

IL^s. Winsl. Let me explain to you Emily's case, 
exactl}^ Let me present her petition, ha ! ha! 

Land. Anj^thing in reason. [_Aside.'] That I should 
make such a botch ! Nobody wants me — I am in a 
nice frame to be petitioned. I would rather be up to 
my neck in a horse pond — Devil take the women I So 
much for blackguard experience. 

3frs. Winsl. You know, Mr. Landaff, Lord Winterly 
regards Emily as affianced to him, notwithstanding — ■ 

Land. Yes, yes, I heard it all from the lawyers. 
They sent me down, stuffed like a mail bag, with the 
nonsense of the whole neighbourhood. 

Mrs. Winsl. You are acquainted with 

Land. With the whole thing, from top to bottom. 
The young lady hated her guardian, and her guardian 
loved the young lady's estate — 'Tis an old stor}'. 

3Irs. Winsl. Praj^, then, sir, compassionate poor 



68 WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

Emily's misery- So much is in your power. Her re- 
pugnance to the match is redoubled by the hope she 
entertains, and I entertain, that my uncle may change 
his mind under the disappointment of his expectation 
to possess himself, by marrying Emil}^, of the fortune, 
which has gone over to 3"0u. Let her beseech your 
influence, your now powerful and controlling influ- 
ence 

Land. My influence to break a contract? Did not 
I say I was conservative? Conservative as the ante- 
diluvians, madam. 

Mrs. Winsl. One moment. 

Land. Ah ! those were the lads I ought to have lived 
among! Wives submissive, life long and eas}^, land 
not cut to ribbons and measured out like small beer — 
It was worth while to be a man of landed estate. 

Mrs. Winsl. You won't listen ? 

Land. Trade, except in flocks and herds, had not 
shown its vulgar face. With proper care of himself — 
if he would keep a plain cook and not dine out, your 
man of quality would last, comfortably, six to eight 
hundred 3^ears. This old earth of ours was 3"0ung and 
nourishing, then, and her children long lived. 

Mrs. Winsl. The fogeys ! 
.^Land. Fogey ism, madam, ruled the roast. When 
people lived as long as that there were enough sound 
heads to keep down the radicals, and prevent mischief. 

Mrs. Winsl. Well, well — to return to Miss Mea- 
dows 

Land. Some 3^oung man of good connection, not 
more than two hundred years of age, would have 
formed an attachment to Miss Meadows — and there 
would have been a match — That is. I mean if there 



SCENE YI.] A COMEDY. G9 

were no uncle, no obstacle — understand — if there were 
no obstacle. Violate a contract ? Why, 'tis unconsti- 
tutional ! 

Mrs. Winsl. There is no contract, if you would but 
listen. Poor Emily has been worried into silence, that 
is all. 

Land. Pray, Miss, who is your fancy ? 

Emily. Sir? 

Land. Who is the gentleman? 

Emily. The gentleman ! 

Land. The post-diluvian, you want to marr3\ 

Mrs. Winsl. It is to rid Miss Meadows of a lover, 
3^our aid is asked, not to find her one. 

Land. Oh, I know the game — Hearts are trumps. 
If I don't see hearts, how can I play for 3'ou ? 

Emily. Oh! indeed, Mr. Landaff, I want to play no 
game. 

Land. You want to be married? -• 

Mrs. Winsl. Emily wants not to be married. 

Land. That is all? Xow is that all ? Come! 

Mrs. Winsl. Mr. Landaff will do nothing, j^ou see, 
Emily. 

■ Land. Why should I interfere with Lord Winterl3^'s 
arrangements ? 

Mrs. Winsl. Because they jar with his own avarice 
and drive Emily distracted. Why should men set the 
world by the ears? 

Land. The world would be quiet enough if women 
were married according to the canons of my late uncle 
— Bequeathed in marriage — there's the rubrick — fol- 
low that and j^ou'll have peace. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh! Tranquillity itself — Ennui, without 
a ripple — wedlock would be as lively as a family- vault. 



70 WOMEN RULE. [aCT ITT. 

Land. Wedlock is solemnized b}^ the priest and made 
a jig by the women. 

3Trs. Winsl. I vow, I will join Mrs. Pa^'ksan's cabal! 

Emily. Say no more, dearest Julia, we can do with- 
out Mr. Landaff ; I will die before I submit. 

Mrs. Winsl. I^^ever, never will I see you sacrificed ! 

Land. Sacrifice! Submission! How you fl}^ out! I 
said anything in reason. Do you expect to catch your 
pigeon at the first pull of the trap string ? Is that 
reason ? What the devil ! am I rotten ripe to come 
down at the first shake of the tree? 

Mrs. Winsl. Well ! thank Heaven, for making men 
naturally tyrants. With an ounce of moderation they 
would have it all their own wa}'- with us. 

Emily. Hush, hush, Julia ! 

Mrs. Winsl. They wreck themselves on their ridicu- 
lous vanit}^ We err, my dear, through the weakness 
of our hearts ; but with our masters, ha ! ha ! with 
them it is sheer want of sense. 

Land. And there is Lord Winterly. How am I to 
shoe that old nag ? Do jow take me for Hector the 
tamer of horses ? Do j^ou suppose I carry in my 
pocket an ointment for obdurate uncles? and have 
onl}^ to rub it in a little to reduce this old beau to a 
ward in chancery, and make him as pliant as if he 
ncA^er had his own way in his life ? 

3Irs. Winsl. I would not turn the men out, and sit 
in their places in the two houses of parliament, as 
those Yankee women would, but I protest that in our 
own houses a woman's vote is oftener right than a 
man's. 

Land. I said anything in reason. You will remem- 
ber that. You are not at all reasonable. Rot me! 



SCENE VII.] A COMEDY. H 

the women never reason. They go b^^ skips, like a 
flea. [ To Mrs. Winslove.] Beauteous madam 

3Irs. Wind. Pooh, pooh! You'll do nothing for 
us. You have said as much. 

Land. A parley ! I call a parlej^ 
Enter Servant. 

Servant. Young Mr. Pa^dvsan, madam. 

Mrs. Winsl. Show Mr. Payksan in. lUxit Servant. 

SCENE YII. 
Enter Young Payksan. 

Young Payk. Lord Winterly desires me to say the 
folks are all assembled, and only wait for Mr. Landaff. 

Mrs. Winsl. Presently! [JsiVZe^o Emily.] There are 
ways of bringing a man to his senses and making a 
fool of him at the same time. Do you keep the bear 
in play, a moment. [Mrs. Winslove and Young Payk- 
san go up the stage ^ and she seems to coquet ivith liim.'] 

Emily. I am so pleased yow consented to meet the 
poor people. They are so anxious to greet 3^on. 

Land. \_Aside.'\ That young dog is a favourite. 
[^Aloud.'] Yery natural. 

Emily. You have not seen the place where they 
dance ? 

Land. Not yet. 

Emily. It is where the territories join of Lord Win- 
terly and the Landaff manor. Close by. Your grounds 
approach the castle at that spot. 

Land. \_Aside.'] What a cub! \_Aloud.'] Do they? 

Emily. We joined the dance ourselves, Mrs. Wins- 
love and I did, the last/e/e Lord Winterly gave the 
tenants. 

Land. And whom did you dance with? 



72 WOMEN RULE. [ACT III. 

Emily. I rather — If I remember right — Perhaps I 
did not dance. 

Land. And Mrs. Wiuslove? who was her partner — 
Young Pajksan ? 

Emily. I dare say he will dance with her to-day. 

Land. I dare sa}^ 

Ente?' Servant. 

Servant. My lord sends word the people are getting 
impatient. \^Exii Servant.] 

3frs. Winsl. Come, Emil}^, take Mr. Landaff's arm, 
Mr. Pa3dvsan has engaged me. \_Exeiint. 

SCENE YIIL 
Open space in a ivood, count ly folks ^ men and women, 

assembled. Margin, Queen, and other servants 

pushing hack the crowd. 

Queen. This is the place for my lord and Mr. Lau- 
daff and the ladies. You have no business here. 

3Iarg. Good people, be pleased to jam j^ourselves a 
little higher up ! 

Queen. 6roofZ people ! A'ulgarity 's my aversion. I 
liate the people, and I despise jams — unless they are 
raspberry jam. 

3Iarg. [Gets to the other side of the stage from 
Queen.] Brazen face — iron petticoat ! See how her 
petticoats tilt ! Polarity 's too much for gravitation. 
See that ! — Small tilts betray great secrets. 

Queen. Driving a girl's hoops in her ! 

Marg. To be driven into by her own petticoats ! A 
petticoat is not the thing it used to be. No longer the 
genuine article. A man might as well put his arm 
round a wire fence. So much broken glass on the top 
of a wall would be just as attractive — Iron pens, iron 
women — the world will be too rust}^ to live in. 



SCENE IX.] . A COMEDY. *Jo 

Queen. ■ Indelicate monsters ! their things clinging 
ronncl their hips, like a wet woman's bathing dress. 

Marg. What would her old mother have thought of 
getting her nnder-clothes at an iron monger's ? 

Queen. Such dressing ! 

3Iarcj. Thinks she is drest, when the sides of her 
dress are the width of the island apart, because she is 
standing between ! 

Queen. I wonder what that fellow is talking to him- 
self about? If I thought^ he was talking of me — I 
won't have any Latin talked about me. I '11 set his 
teeth on edge. 

Marg. Then their tails dragging along in the dirt! — 
but if you tread on them ! ! Lord ! 

Queen. Mr. Jackanapes — Oh, here comes my lord — 
and everybody! 

SCENE IX. 

Enter the other characters. The country people crowd 
around Landafp, greeting and cheering him. 

Land. Thank you, thank you! vastly obliged. What 
it is to be the darling of both sexes ! [ TJiey keep) cheer- 
ing him. 2 

Old Payk. They want you to say something. 

Lord Win. Could not you spout a little ? 

Land. 'Gad, I have spouted a great deal, but it has 
been on another line. 

Lord Win. It cannot be helped. You must try. 
They '11 never be satisfied. 

Old Fay k. At 'em!" Anything will do. Imagine 
yourself among the Yankees. 

Land. Oh, if it is the worse the better, I think I 
will be prevailed on. 



Y4 AVOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

Old Payk. Here are the hustings; mount this! 
\_Gives a chair.'] 

Land. [^Stayiding on a chair.'] My valued friends ! — 
hem — hem — Unused, as I am, to the stump — pardon 
the Yankeedoodleism — but 3^ou know our American 
cousins make their speeches to the stumps of trees, as 
the great Demosthenes did to the waves of the sea, 
and hence are called stump orators. [ZTear, hear.] 
Unequal though I am to the occasion, I rise — that is 
I mean to rise — to the level of the occasion. [C/ieer- 
ing.] In this ocean of upturned faces, what do j^ou 
think I see ? [ Cries of What is it ?] I see the roast 
beef of Old England! \^Great cheering.] Who can 
behold it without emotion ? Ahem ! The mother of 
the Gracchi — hem — you have heard of her — [Cities 
of Yes, yes.] What would have been the just pride of 
that ancient bosom, could she have pointed her Roman 
finger to a British yeomanry, and said. Those are my 
jewels! \_Gheers.] If Cornelia were here to-day, she 
would confess her jewels were paste. [_A voice, No cor- 
nelians, at all!] But, my friends, I have said enough. 
[ Cries of No, no, go on.] \^Aside.] That is not so easy. 
[^Aloud.] I am a plain man, ^Hear] but if I meant to 
flatter, I could point to — hem — [^aside] What could I 
l^oint to ? 

Young PayL\ There is our bridge over Pony River ! 

Land. [Aloud.] I could point to the solid masonry 
of 3'our piers, to the 

Old Payk. [Aside.] Take care ! it is timber. 

Land. [Aside.] Too late now — [Aloud] the soaring 
arches that span the mighty stream that waters, fer- 
tilizes, and adorns this garden of the Universe! [Loud 
cheering.] AVhen in future ages, when Old England is 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 15 

IsTew England [c/'ies of Oh!^ — when ten thousand 
years hence, men come to disinter and marvel over 
these architectural mastodons of a new antiquity — 
[^cries of Hurrah for antiquity'] — then I say — \_aside'] 
what the devil am I to say? \_Aloud,'\ I say, Old 
Yorkshire stands erect ! \_Immense cheering.] But, 
my friends, I fatigue you — I see the girls' eyes are 
dancing for the dance to begin 

Old Faijk. [vlsffZe.] Don't forget a compliment to 
the women ! 

Land. My friends, I will conclude these imperfect 
remarks with one observation, which is, there are not 
in any part of the w^orld, the women who could hold 
a candle to the women of this neighbourhood. [ Cheers 
and ivaving of handkerchiefs.'] Tiianking you, my 
friends, for the attention you have honoured me with, 
I will no longer — \_aside] That will do, I hope — any- 
how, there is no more — \hows.] \_They surround and 
congratulate him.] 

Lord Win. Exhaustive argument! \_8hahes Lan- 
DAFF hythe hand.] Capital! Mr. Landaff — never heard 
a better speech. Maiden speech, was not it? Capital! 

Omnes. ^Shaking him by the hand.] Capital! 

Land. Pshaw, you jest, I will do better another time. 

Old Payk. Your delivery so good ! 

Land. Poh ! 

Emily. Your manner so imposing ! 

Land. Nonsense ! 

Henry. Your winding np a little abrupt — though 
there are precedents for that. 

Land. No, I did not die gracefully. 

Mrs. Winsl. Your remarks about the women per- 
fectly touching ! Xot a dry eye among them. 



76 WOMEN RULE. [aCT III. 

Lo.nd. Xow, madam ! 

Veil. Rather deep water in that place about Cornelia 
and the Gracchi ; but 3^on came off on the roast beef. 

Land. Ha! ha! Not on the bridg'e. Zounds! you 
did not tell me it was dendrttick. Who would have 
thought of crossing the Pony on a plank? 

Lord Win. Your fact about the Yankee orators — 
stump orators ! I see — not very Greek, that republic 
— Low fellows — more stumps than ocean. 

Young Payk. No ocean ! How odd, mamma ! Is 
that the reason they sa}', " Hail Columbia, happy 
land?" They have no sea to be happ}^ 

Ji>-s. Payk. Probably, my dear. Pretty speech 
enough, Mr. Landaff, but no force — no moral power. 

Land. What is that, ma'am? 

Mj^s. Payk. Your pagan friend said action. Mis- 
taken system, sir. I will take 30U to hear Brother 
Lambskin. He lays it on. 

Land. Ah! Lambskin! Quite an orator, I dare sa}^ 
that Lambskin. Classical, perhaps — or does he affect 
the bobtail? 

Mrs. Payk. For action., action., action^ jou must read 
abuse^ abuse, abuse. That is the S3^stem, that 's the 
moral power, Mr. Landaff — Castigation, sir — what 's 
the use of blowing soap-bubbles ? 

Land. Whom was I to chastise, ma'am? 

Mrs. Payk. The wicked, Mr. Landaff. 

Land. And who are they, Mrs. Pa3^ksan? 'Tis an 
open question. 

Jfrs. Payk. Those who differ with you, Mr. Landaff 
— they are sure to be the wicked. 

Land. 'Gad, so they arc. The other side — down 
with them — I like your principles, but damn your rhe- 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. It 

toric. What are we about? — we came to dance — let 
us leave dialectics and begin ! 

nines. The dance, the dance ! 

Land. Strike up, music ! [Dance^ in which all 

join hut Lord Winterly and Mrs. Payksan.] 



END OF ACT IIT 



78 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV 



ACT lY.. 

SCENE I. 
Grounds adjoining Winterly Casile. 

Entcr^ from without^ Mrs. Winslove and Young 
Payksan. 

Mrs. Winsl. " Dame Nature is a beldame. I am 
"tired of her. This dancing on the green is romantic, 
" to be sure, but give me a chalked floor 1 'Tis more 
" responsive, and I would have the light of a chande- 
" lier instead of this ' garish sun.' I love the land- 
" scape, but I love lace and diamonds, too. There is 
" room for them all — In women's hearts I know there 
" is. Poor Yalentine ! He looked at me so reproach- 
" fully as I turned my precious partner. Oh, we are 
" a deceiving sex ; and it frightens me to think how 
" many of us, when the age of pleasing is past, live 
" only for falsehood and backbiting." You will ex- 
case me, Mr. Payksan, I am rather tired. Poor fellow, 
he sticks like a burr. \_Going.'\ 

Young Payk. Not j'-et, not yet. I have a secret to 
tell you. 

Mrs. Winsl. Pray, don't tell me your secret, I hate 
secrets. 

Young Payk. Don't you remember, I told you so, 
when we were dancing, and now I am going to tell 
you what it is. 

Mrs. Winsl No, no, T can't keep a secret. Women 
never do. 



SCENE I.] A COMEDY. 79 

Young Payk. Oiilj give me time ! 

3Irs. Winsl. There is a request, young gentleman — 
time ! Don't 3-011 know, time is all we have ? 

Young Payk. I will tell you now. 

Mrs. Winsl. But you must not tell me at all. I 
don't want to know. 

Young Payk. Oh, I must. I cannot keep it any 
longer. I am dying to tell you. Don't go, I will be 
ready in a minute, I will soon be ready. 

Mrs. Winsl. Be in no haste. 

Young Payk. I feel so queer. 

Mr-s. Winsl. Some day when ^'ou don't feel queer. 

Young Payk. But I cannot wait. 

Mrs. Winsl. Tell your mamma, first. 

Young Payk. My mamma! 

Mrs. Winsl. May be I ought not to hear it. Con- 
fide it to your mamma. Consult her about it. 

Young Payk. Mamma indeed ! Wh}-, you don't 
burn a bit. 

3Irs. Winsl. Burn ? If it is a conundrum, I am so 
dull at those sort of things, I shall never understand. 

Young Payk. Now Mrs. Winslove ! Oh ! You did 
not guess — didn't you ? — Mr. Valentine 's, that every- 
body said was so good, and puzzled us all ? What is 
that ivhich comes and goes but never — 

3Irs. Winsl. Well, well, that was once. 

Young Payk. Oh, it is no conundrum at all. It is 
reality — and now I feel better. 

3Irs. Winsl. Stay — Here is your mamma — and just 
in time. 

Young Payk. Not a word, don't say a word about 
the secret ! 



80 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV 

SCENE 11. 

Enter ^ from ivithout, Mrs. Payksan. 

3Irs. W'iiisL Charming dance we had! You en- 
joyed 3^oiirself ? 

3Irs. Payk. I don't dance, madam. I attended Mr. 
Landaff's lecture. 

Young Payk. Women's rights don't dance. 

Jirs. Payk. And 3^ou, yon . Don't j^ou see 

you i^lague Mrs. Winslove to death ? — mistaking a 
widow lady for Miss in her teens ! 

Mrs. Winsl. \_Aside.'] The old witch ! 

Mrs. Payk. There is a time for all things, the lady 
knows that. You heard the Kev. Mr. Thunderboy 
say that, when I took you to hear him. Much good 
it has done you ! 

Young Payk. None at all. 

Mrs. Payk. Would you have Mrs. Winslove turn 
coquette at her time of life ? Nothing so melancholy 
as ]jlaying young. 

Mrs. Winsl. Gentlj^, madam ! 

3Irs. Payk. Why, madam, he is an urchin. He 
is a raw recruit to a campaigner like your ladyship. 
Go, sir, and tell your father I want to see him. And, 
then, go home, and get yourself dressed for dinner. 
Lord Winterly invites you to the castle. You will 
be late. You are always late. 

\_Exit Young Payksan. 

SCENE III. 

Mrs. Payk. So madam, before we adjourn, I would 
have 3^ou knoAv if I am not niece to a Yiscount, nor 



SCENE IV.] A COMEDY. 81 

widow of a man of fashion, I rule my own family — . 
no outside influence — ma'am. 

3Irs. Winsh Sad thing, that outside influence ! 

Mrs. FoAjlc. Yes, ma'am, but we 've got another in- 
fluence now — Social and Moral Influence, ma'am — 
New Sj^stem. We '11 see what that will do. What 
are your intentions, ma'am — your intentions by that 
young man ? That 's the first question in order. 

Mrs. Winsl. Would not the young gentleman's in- 
tentions be the jjrevious question? 

Mrs. Payk. I'll have no side issues, ma'am. 

Mrs. Winsl. Poor me ! 

Mrs. Payk. I won't have ni}^ son wheedled. 

Mrs. Winsl. Poor fellow ! 

Mrs. Payk. By any aristocrat among 3^ou. 

Mrs. Winsl. Take great care of your son — So many 
eminent women are about — I am told a 3"0ung man 
w^as carried off from the village, last w^eek, and never 
heard of since. Sad aflTair ! — Cost my uncle a guinea. 
Good morning, Mrs. Payksan ! Good morning to yon! 

\_Exit Mrs. Winslove. 

SCENE lY. 

Mrs. Payk. Toss your head ! That's right ! Mis- 
leading minx! I do hate that woman. Everybody 
loves her. Pride indeed ! I will break her down — the 
jilt ! I will bring her to a left-handed marriage with 
the heir presumptive to an alderman. Here is her 
studious brother. He must be stirring too. These 
nephews and nieces they think their uncle's house will 
hold nobody but themselves. \^Exit Mrs. Payksan. 



82 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

SCENE Y. 

Enler^from icWwiif, Henry, Valentine, «»cZ Margin. 

Henry. jS^ow, Margin, tell me just as you did Mr. 
Yalentine, word for word. 

Margin. Yes, sir! Your honour will pardon my 
going to Mr. Yalentine, but a friend is a friend, espe- 
cially if lie can steer : and his honour always kept me 
so dark about Miss Meadows, I did not think it would 
be delicate to bring up the subject — 

Henry. AYhat is all this ? 

Margin. Well, sir, I said to myself, if there is any 
gentleman I ought to go to for Mr. Henrj^ , it is Mr.. 
Yalentine. 

Henry. To your tale, sir, without preface. 

Ilargin . Without a preface ? Wh}^, what ^^our honour 
said once was this ; said 3'our honour, there should 
always he a preface ; a preface is the boiv ivith luhich 
you enter a 7^oom. 

Henry. What is this flourish ? Xow ! 

Margin. In mead? Epic fashion, sir? — jump in the 
middle ? 

Henry. You fool — a simple narrative! 

Margin. Simple? Lord, sir, twenty times I have 
heard 3'our honour say that is the hardest of all. 

Val. Margin, tell what you know; or shall I tell it 
for 3^ou ? As you stood listening at Lord Winterly's 
door — what then? 

Margin. Oh, no, sir — Oh m}^ conscience, sir, must I 
leave out what made me listen ? 

Val. Shovel 3"0ur conscience out of the waj^, and 
proceed. 

Margin. Thank 3^ou, sir! Ilis honour recollects 



SCENE v.] A COMEDY. 83 

about the time so muny of his books disappeared; 
when Pale3''s Moral Philosophy was found at the 
pawnbroker's, and the Anatomy of Melancholy in one 
of the maid's beds, and his honour said to me, said he, 
Margin, if that woman 

VaL Strange, Henr}^, how you spoil this fellow ! 
That he should give me so clear an account of w^hat 
he will harangue you upon all day, and tell j'ou 
nothing ! 

Margin. I am coming to it, sir. 

Val. It seems the rascal has been eavesdropping at 
Lord Winterly's door, and overheard a conversation, 
just before the dance, between your uncle and Mrs. 
Pa3dvsan. 

Margin. Eavesdropping! Oh, no — blankets and 
butter, sir! No, I did not do that. I indulge no 
domestic weakness. I don't affect doorways — I don't 
frequent keyholes — Why, wiiat would Mr. Henry 
think, if he saw me putting m^^ ear close to the library 
door, to listen, when he was talking to himself confi- 
dentially about Miss Meadows? 

Val. Come, Margin, 'twas good footman's service — 
Go on and recount it. 

Margin. Your honour is xcry considerate. I was at 
my lord's door, sir, as innocent as blotting-paper — I 
was, indeed — when I saw Mrs. Payksan sitting with 
his lordship — so close up to his lordship, sir — it was 
no business of mine, but m}^ feelings were much hurt 
— it was so close, sir, to sit to an elderly gentleman. 

Val. Spare your sensibilities! You have said it 
was too close. Now, tell Mr. Ilenr}^ what was said 
about a match for Miss Meadows. 

Margin. Well, sir, the servants have considered, for 



84 WOMEN EULE. [ACT IV. 

some time past, Mrs. Payksan was too effeminate 
with my lord ; but, then, I don't attend ni}^ lord, and 
so long as she let my master alone, I 

Val Vagabond ! — What did Lord Winterl}^ say to 
Mrs. Pa3'ksan about Miss Meadows ? AYill you come 
to that ? 

Mai^gin, I have not got to that, sir. 

Val. Then make for it, j^ou scoundrel ! \_Shakeii him.'] 

Margin. Would it not be better — ? 

Val. [Shaking him.'] As if all the bells in the house 
were ringing! 

Ilargin. Wh}^, my lord said 

Val. What did he say? On with j^ou! 

Margin. Wh}^, that now Mr. Landaff' 

Val. Well! 

Margin. Had the estate 

Val. Had the estate — ! What then? 

Margiyi. And Miss Emilj' had nothing — But let 
me 

Val. Keep j^our head to the wind, sir. 

Margin. As she had nothing, Mr. Tom Payksan 

Val. Yastly well! Should have 

Margin. Should have Miss Emil}^, provided 

Val. Don't break ! 

3Iargin. Provided Mr. Landaff would consent. 

Val. So — we have it at last. There — you may go. 

Margin. But, let me tell you 

Val. That is enough! You can tell the rest to the 
maids. 

Margin. You see, in the line of a servant's dut}^ 

Val. Follow that line — march — leave us to our- 
selves. 



SCENE VI.] A COMEDY. 85 

Margin. This is loo ungrateful. Tliey will shut me 
out of it. Your honours would not like to hear how 
Mrs. Payksan looked when 

Val. A vaunt! 

Margin. Was ever a man of mj^ information treated 
so? 

Henry. Go, Margin, and put things to rights in the 
librar3\ 

Margin. Squeezed and thrown awa}'! 

\_Exit Margin. 

• SCENE YI. 

Val. You see, Henry — you see! 

Henry. 'Tis even so — I am a made man. 

Val. You are. You are relieved of all embarrass- 
ment; Lord Winterly can hardly expect you to help 
to make a match for young Paj'ksan ; Miss Meadows' 
feelings 3'ou know from 3^0 ur sister ; she is prepared 
to receive your addresses. 

Henry. And the negotiation with Lord Tiegerlj- is 
an outrage for which he shall account to me. 

Val. The world is before you. 

Henry. The world ? 'Tis the world of bliss. I see 
you never were in love, Yalentine. 

Val. Ah! 

Henry. A few hours since — how^ man}- is it ? — I was 
the sorriest fellow in England. Give me 3-our e^^e now, 
have not I the aspiring look — something soaring in 
ni}^ attitude ? 

Val. I think you have, if 3'ou don't change. 

Henry. Change ? I am the happiest of men. The 
messenger of Jove, with wings to his heels, had not a 
freer stride than I — I, Yalentine — I, who this morning 
8 



86 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

hid myself out of the wa}^ of 3'ou all, for very shame 
and miseiy, when you stopped at the door. 

Val. Yon feel bold? 

Henry. Confident as an Irishman. 

Val. Margin tells me 3 on had run completely down. 

Henry. Julia used to tell me so. 

Val. Don't slip back ! Remember your courtship 
is yet to begin. 

Henry. Slip back? I could lead a charge. Dearest, 
loveliest Emil}^ ! I am onl}^ afraid of shocking your 
too timid nature by the too great vigour of m}" assault. 
Does that sometimes happen, Talentine ? 

Val. Rarely. 

Henry. But, 3'ou don't think there is an}^ doubt? 

Val. None in the world if 3^ou don't get a relapse. 
You must not have another attack. 

Henry. Oh ! I shall not have another. There are 
complaints 3'Ou know 3'ou have but once. 

Val. The women don't fanc3^ a man all nerves and 
trepidation. 

Henry. No, it is too like themselves. 

Val. Exactl3^, and that enters into the philosophy 
of their hating one another so. 

Henry. Alas ! Yes — as with near and dear relations, 
it is kept smouldering. It would not be decent to let 
it break out. But the 3'oung and handsome of the sex 
— they don't hate ? 

Val. Not so much. 

Henry. No, no, the 3'oung don't hate. 

Val. And the3^ often forgive. 

Henry. My poor Emil3', 3'ou have nobod3^ to forgive, 
for 3'ou never hated an3^bod3'. Do 3^ou know, Valen- 
tine, in my notion, there are ditferent wa3^s of 



SCENE VI.] A COMEDY. St 

wooing ? There was Paris, you loiow, was a headlong 
lover; then Commodore Trunnion was not — j^ou re- 
member he tacked. Extreme cases, j^ou will sixy — but 
3'ou have the idea ; ways differ. 

Veil. With lovers as with admirals, 

Henri/. Yery good ! Admirals — and I shall carry 
my ships into action, like jS^elson, splash ! It is the true 
wa}^, after all. Wh}^, when the light is thick, I have 
heard old Marlinspike say, it is absolutely refresh- 
ing. Why should not a man be refreshed making- 
love ? 

Val. No reason at all. 

Henry. I feel Homeric, Valentine. Why should not 
a bashful man feel Homeric ? that is when the blood 
is up. Your fellow with no pluck at all is sometimes 
dangerous — that is when he is screwed up. But your 
man of honour, Yalentine, your well-balanced man 
restrains his eagerness — that is when he has given 
his uncle his word, as I did. Now I am free. Why, 
if I gave my word to tend my uncle's sheep, I must 
do it. My dear friend, there is a multitude of con- 
siderations I'll explain to you — But some other time, 
we will talk them over some other day, when my head 
is quiet. I feel it full of the devil now — I have a 
turned-loose feeling, Yalentine, I never in my life had 
before. 

Val. By all means some other day. Here is Emilj", 
and your sister's maid with her. I will get Queen out 
of the way, and then you will have a clear field. 

Henry. Hc}^ ! Field ! This is indeed an unexpected 
happiness. I did not think it would come so soon. 

Val. You are really a lucky fellow. Nothing was 
ever so ai^ropos. In a few minutes, now, all will be 
settled, and you are happy for life. 



88 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

Henry. A few minutes? Is that the wa}'? Have 
I but a few minutes ? My clear Yalentine, does anj^- 
thing occur to 3'ou ? My case, 3'ou know, is so peculiar. 
Is it usual to kneel ? 

VaJ. You cannot go wrong. Here they are. 

SCENE YII. 

Enter Emily and Queen. 

Veil. On 3^our wa}^ from the dance. Miss Meadows ? 
So were we. 

Emily. Mr. Landaff staid to talk to tliat prett}^ 
cottager, with scarlet berries in her hair, and left me 
to find my way back with Queen. ]\Ir. Landaff has 
such a liurricane of spirits — 

VaJ. They blow away good manners. It is often 
so. ' Pardon me, but I was going — 

Henry. \_Aside.'] Yalentine, don't go ! 

Val. I was going to say to Queen, with Miss Mea- 
dows' permission, take that handkerchief to j-our 
mistress, immediatel}^ — It was dropped by Mrs. Wins- 
love, as she was dancing \_aside'\ with that Payksan 
animal. Well he did not pick it up ! 

[Exeunt Yalentine and Queen. 

SCENE YIII. 

Henry. \_A^ide.'\ Yalentine! he's off ! 

Emily. [Aside.'] We are alone. I tremble ! 

Henry. [Aside.] This is too bad of Yalentine, and 
what an unsuitable spot ! a most exposed place, and, 
if it were close as a jungle, I could as well go and 
ask the tiger for a lock of his hair, as ask a woman to 
marry me. Why — Why was I brought up in a library ? 



SCENE YITT.] A COMEDY. 89 

Emilij. \_AKide.'\ HeaYens ! AVliat a moment ! 

Henry. [^Aside.'] What shall I do ? I will write 
Emily a letter — it is more respectful — No, I will get 
Julia to write, it is less embarrassing. I feel relieved. 
But, dearest Emil}^, I must not leave her standing 
there ! 

Emily. \_ A side.'] Should not I sa}^ something? But, 
no, Julia thinks that unnecessar}'. 

Henry. Oh, Miss Meadows ! Excuse ni}^ negligence, 
in not interfering with Valentine's sending away your 
maid, who just went away — I mean my sister's maid — 
who was attending you — who went away — when 
Valentine went away. Pray permit me. [^Gives a 
garden chair.'] 

Emily. \_Aside.'] He wants me seated ! \_Aloud.'] I 
am so little — I mean so much attended on 

Henry. Miss Meadows' pause could not be a hesita- 
tion, in her own superfluity of attendants to resign to 
Mrs. Wiiislove the services of her maid. But let me — 

Emily. [^Aside.] He is going to propose ! 

Henry. \_Aside.'] What a stammerer I am ! [^Aloud 
ivifh volubility.] Ha, ha! indeed, I remember once, 
when, as it happened, the same evening, our gay 
friend Mrs. Racket was to give a ball, and Mrs. 
Payksan to deliver one of her lectures — and being- 
honoured with invitations to both these entertainments, 
the reward and punishment, as Bob Dapper called 
them, I sent, by one of the other servants, to my own 
servant, my two refusals, but Mr. Margin, handing 
them to the maid, as she passed round the room, with 
her brush and dust-pan — said in the demi-tone of a 
gentleman deep in his book, see these go to the address — 
the message, that went with them to the servants' hall, 

8* 



90 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

where, among those superfluities, one of them, who 
was a wag, on the back of the note for Mrs. Pa3^ksan, 
wrote the address of a place, not in this world, but the 
other — so my unfortunate epistle, only because at 
Castle Winterly there is, as Miss Meadows so justly 
observes, a superfluity of servants, thus superscribed, 
was carried to Mrs. Payksan. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Emily. Ha, ha, ha! — I never was more — ha, ha! — 
\_Aiyide.'] Oh ! it is too trying ! \_After efforts to control 
herself^ laughs hysterically.'] 

Henry. Madam, this is — [Aside.'] 'Tis too plain, 
Julia was mistaken. Emily love me ! She despises 
me. What woman could love me ? I am broken-heart- 
ed. I will go to London this night, never to return. 
[Aloud.] Miss Meadows, I am — I am to bid you adieu. 
Farewell, madam — It is to me, madam, a — But it can 
be nothing to yon — I am here to say farewell. I leave 
for London to-night, not to return. 

Emily. Leavens? Oh, why? 

Henry. To make a beginning of m}^ apprenticeship. 

Emily. Don't speak in riddles. 

Henry. I have been too long a lounger in a librar}^ — 
an idler on the shore, when I ought to have been 
breasting the stream of life. 

Emily. Why, Henry! 

Henry. Honours are respectable, but so is labour. 
Should I succeed to my uncle's peerage, well — I ought 
to be fitted for so high a stewardship. Should I not, 
I have my fortune to make, and 'tis time 1 began — 'tis 
time I studied men, not books, and taught myself to 
toil. 

Emily. But, how strange ! Why not pursue your 
'plans here? Oh, don't leave us — remain with us — 
w'th Julia. 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. 91 

Hem^y. Here I am despised — I deserve it — I bid 
farewell ! 

Emily. Heury, what do 3^011 mean ? [ Weeps.'] 

Henry. You laugh, you cry ! You can't be well. 

Emily. Far from it. [_Sohbing.'] 

Henry. Good God! she is going to be quite ill. I 
must call assistance. 

Emily. Don't, I pra}'. 

Henry. Let me call Julia. 

Emily. Don't call anybody — Ah, me! — 

Henry. By heaven, Julia was right — she is always 
right, and I am alwa3's wrong. \_Aiypro aching Emily 
timidly.'] I am hasty [s/o/^.s] — I must not be hasty. 
Here is Mrs. Tayksan — I'll have time to reflect. 

SCENE IX. 
Enter Mrs. Payksan and young Payksan. 

• Mrs. Payk. [To young Payksan.] I told you so, 
3' on idle hoy. 

Young Payk. Don't care. 

Mrs. Payk. Ah, sir! [to Henry] waiting on Miss 
Meadows? Seeing her home — an attention to m3^ 
lord. Dutiful, indeed. 

Henry. I am much occupied, madam — 3^ou — I am 
much concerned — Don't 3'ou see Miss Meadows is not 
well? 

Mrs. Payk. Unwell? Oh, so she is; poor dear 
child! \_Kisses her.] 

Henry. Don't — ah — she will poison her! 

Young Payk. Mamma, have not 3'ou one of those 
little bottles you and sister Fitz Coliek carry for the 
cramps? 



92 WOMEN RULE. [ACT IV. 

Mrs. Paijk. No such thing, sir ! Stand aside ! Let 
nie see, my dear, 'tis the horrid way they lace you — 
let me 

Emily. Give yourself no trouble! 1 feel much 
better. 

Mrs. Payk. Do, Mr. Henrj^ — 3^ou are quite right — 
step for somebodj". I will stay with Miss Meadows. 

Young Payk. I will go for Mrs. Winslove. 

Mi's. Poyk. Stay where you are, sir. 

Emily. I will go mj^self to Julia. 

3Irs. Payk. That will do, m}^ love. 

Henry. [ To Emily.] I will conduct you to my sister's 
aj^artment. 

Mrs. Payk. Thomas ! j^our arm — 3'our arm to Miss 
Meadows! I will take Mr. Henry's [taking his arm']. 
Miss Meadows, lean on Tom! Don't be afraid, my 
little pet ! 

Henry. [Aside.] What an ass I must look like! 

[Exeunt Emily on young Payksan's 
arm, Mrs. Payksan on Henry's. 

SCENE X. 

Enter from iDiiliin [looking after them] Margin. 

Margin. What does my master mean, languishing 
along with that old crocodile ? Ah, my poor master, 
his nurse carried him on the wrong arm ! He knows 
everything in the world but how to take care of him- 
self. Book-learning, wdien 3^ou come to use it, alwa^^s 
leaks. " Those Pa^disan females are as cunning as 
" cockroaches — If brass were a precious metal, what 
"valuable women they would be. They Avork any 
" machine but a sewing-machine — Give them their will 



SCENE XI.] A COMEDY. 93 

" of US, and there would be no more rest for a man 
" than an organ-grinder's monke3\" Here is Mr. Valen- 
tine. He always knows what he wants. Never bites 
at moonshine. 

SCENE XI. 

Enter from ivithout Valentine. 

Val. Have you seen your master? 

Mai^giii. I saw my master this moment, sir. I was 
looking at Mrs. Payksan having my master by the 
arm. 

Val. The devil ! What an old crimp she must have 
looked like ! 

Ilargin. Well, sir, what she meant to look like was 
a delicacy of the season, but she looked more like a 
pair of nippers. And there was 3^oung Mr. Payksan 
gallanting Miss Meadows, sir. 

Val. What can be doing ? 

Margin. It is my opinion, something, sir — My mas- 
ter, begging pardon, sir, I thought he looked much 
like a fish in a basket. 

Val. She is the axletree of the neighbourhood. 

Ifargin. She is, sir. Your honor, some of these 
women, if it were not for having to suckle the children, 
and a few trifles of that nature, they would make us 
change places with them. Is it true that in some coun- 
tries, sir, the moon is masculine and the sun feminine? 

Val. Do you think you could find your master? 

Margin. The}^ seemed to be sailing for Mrs. Wins- 
love's apartments — navigating, sir, under convoy of 
Mrs. Pa3dvsan. By this time the}^ must have dropped 
anchor. 



94 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

Val. Or dropped 3^our master, 1113^ figurative friend ; 
left him lonely as a lighthouse. 

3Iargin. Yes, sir ! with the lamp out of order — or, 
like a homeward-bound lover, detained by contrary 
wind — or a loose sail, sir, flapping in the wind — or 
like the wind itself, sir, when it is pent up in 

Val. See 3'our master. Margin, and tell him where 
he will find me. 

3Iargin. Can't I come back, sir ? If there should 
be a change of wind, I might be useful. 

Val. We will send for you perhaps ; j^ou can ask 
whether any message has come from Lord Tiegerlj^'s. 

[^Exit Margin. 

SCENE XII. 

Val. Q'om Payksan and Miss Meadows on his arm. 
Well — let Henry settle with him for that — but then, 
Julia, for his partner ! No, I cannot be jealous of such 
a thing as Tom Payksan. Valentine, Yalentine, don't 
you know, when a man is in your condition, his head 
may sometimes be convinced, but his heart can never 
be satisfied ? 

SCENE XIII. 
Enter Henry. 

Val. Ah ! Margin found 3'ou. Well, Henry ? 
Henry. Well, Yalentine ! 

Val. Now, the budget ! 
Henry. Budget! 

Val. What happened ? 
Henry. Oh, nothing! 

Val. What luck ? 



SCENE XIII.] A COMEDY. 95 

Henry. Oh, m^' luck ! You know what that is. 
Guess ! 

Val. Must I guess ? Well, fortune favours the 
brave ; j^ou went into action like Nelson — My guess 
is the lad}' surrendered. 

Henry. Yalentine ! 

Val. What is it, my Homeric friend ? Use your 
winged heels, and stride on ! 

Henry. My dear fellow, spare me! 

Val. Zounds, then, tell 3'our stoiy ! 

Henry. Yalentine, I am a ver}' poor devil. 

Val. Upon my honour, j^ou have not the soaring 
look — But appearances are nothing. You asked 
Emily's hand, well ? 

Henry. No, Yalentine, I did not do that. 

Val. Did not do that ? In heaven's name, what did 
you do ? You did not propose to Miss Meadows ? 

Hen ry. Tell me, Yalentine, do you deem it indispens- 
able to what is called courtship that I should ? — Ah, 
my friend, ought not I — ? as a gentleman, ought not 
I to shun so broad a solicitation ? 

Val. What the devil, are you courting a queen ? Is 
she to ask you ? 

Henry. Only see what is implied, Yalentine ! 

Val. Implied? 

Henry. Think of asking an angel — the refined ob- 
ject of my purest adoration — You understand me, 
Yalentine ? 

Val. Ila, ha ! Y^hat a pity I cannot tell this ! It 
ought not to be lost. 

Henry. AYhat do 3'ou sa}', my friend ? 

Val. My good fellow, 3'ou puzzle me — upon my soul 
3'ou do. I must refer you to our neighbours, the 



96 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

French ; they are said to haA'e exhausted the philoso- 
phy of love. You ma}^ find something in their works 
on the subject. But what were 3'ou doing with Mrs. 
Payksan on j^our arm ? 

Henry. Oh, that dragon! But let her go — I will 
tell 3-ou — here is my story. You must not look at 
me, though, so earnestly, Valentine ! Not full front, 
turn a little round — there, so — V>^hat does Margin 
want ? 

SCENE XIY. 

Enter Margin, /ro>/i luithin. 

Margin. Your honours, I found it out. Dick Mar- 
tingale, Lord Tiegerl3''s own man, has just Leen here, 
on a ba}" mare seventeen hands high, so groomed I 
could see m}- face in an}" part of her but her mane and 
tail. He brought a note, covered with wax and stiff 
as pasteboard ; all corners and folds, turned under so 
the devil himself, or the post-master general, could 
not tell what was inside. 

Henry. He passes my uncle to address me. "Well, 
produce it. 

Margin. Your honour, there is the mischief. As I 
went by Mrs. WinsloA^e's apartments, who should 
come out but Mrs. Pa^-ksan, all mad and dignified, 
like an undertaker's wife, fresh from a hornet's nest! 

Val. Well!— 

Margin. Yes, sir — then, sir, as I went along, keeping 
my eye on the note ; had it in this kind of wa^^, [s/^oics] 
before my right e3'e, sir, the left so, in case of accident 
— it might have come a little open at this end, 3'Ou 
know — Mrs. Payksan twitched it from m3" finger and 



SCENE XV.] A COMEDY. 9Y 

thumb. — I know ichat this is, said she. / ivill give it to 
my lord, myself ! " 

Henry. To my lord ? 

Margin. 'Twas for my lord, sir ; it was not for your 
honour — that is all I know about it. 

Val. That is not much. 

Margin. How could I know any more when the 
woman took it from me before I — ? But here comes 
Mrs. Payksan's last twig, Mr. Thomas. He was with 
his mother, he may know something. 

Val. He is not a discoverer. 

SCENE XV. 
Enter Young PAYKSAN,/ro??i ivilJun. 

Val. Going home, Mr. Payksan ? 

Young Payk. Mamma ordered me home hours ago, 
but I know the time when the clock strikes.^as well as 
any of them. They may set their watches by the 
w^oman in the moon, if they can find her. 

Henry. I left you and Mrs. Paj'ksan with Mrs. 
Winslove. 

Young Payk. Mrs. Winslove said she wanted to 
talk with Miss Meadows ; one chat, of a morning, with 
mamma, she said was enough. Now, mamma likes to 
do as she pleases ; so, when she had to do as Mrs. 
Winslove pleased, she flounced off. 

Val. And 3^ou too ? 

Young Payk. No. Mrs. Winslove courtesied me 
away, as if she was sorr^^ to part with me. 

Val. But you see things as they are. 

Young Payk. Yes, I saw she and Miss Meadows 
were dying to be alone. Oh ! I can see a good dis- 
9 



98 WOMEN RULE. [aCT IV. 

tance, but mamma is a telescope. There is a lawyer's 
clerk, from London, [to Valentine] with letters for 
3^ou, at the lodge, and the man is detained there be- 
cause mamma sajs she knows they were not intended 
for delivery till after her London letters are received — 
'Now that is seeing a great way. I will be back to 
dinner. [Exit Young Payksan. 

SCENE XYL 

Val. A lawj^er's clerk ! What can be those letters ? 
And detained by Mrs. Payksan ! Something whis- 
pers — But, Henry, you will let Margin hasten to the 
lodge, won't you ? to see the messenger is not tam- 
pered with before I get there. 

Henry. Go, Margin ! Fly ! [Exit Margin.] 
Val. You shall relate 3'our story, when I come back, 
and my word for it, with Mrs. Winslove's gentle aid, 
you will be too much for Mrs. Payksan. 

To spoil GocVs fairest work^ give me your plan^ 
I^d have the woman think herself the man. 

{_Exeunt severally. 



END OF act IV. 



SCENE II.] A COMEDY. 99 



A C T Y. 

SCENE I. 

An apartment at Lord Winterly's. 

Entei^ Solicitor and his Clerk. 

Sol. You delivered the letters? 
Clerk. I did, Mr. Wright. 
Sol. To the late Secretary of Lord Winterly ? 
Clerk. Yes, Mr. Wright. 
Sol. He read them? 
Cle7^h. Attentively. 

Sol. You said I would wait on him, here? 
Clerk. At seven, exactly. 

Sol. 'Tis the hour, and this must be the gentleman. 
Clerk. 'Tis he, sir. 

Sol. [^Giving a jpaper.'] This by telegraph. You can 
withdraw. \_Exit Clerk. 

SCENE IL 

Enter Valentine. 

Val. What is this to come to? If I know myself, I 
could turn the leaves, and read my destiny, with as 
little undue emotion as any man. But when, from 
every page, looks up at me the image of Julia, by 
heaven, the task is above the pitch of my philosophy. 
Ah, sir, you are here. 

Sol. You see the senior partner of Wright, Wells & 
Wright, Solicitors, 13 Parchment Row, for more than 



100 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 

thirty years professional advisers of the late Philip 
Landaff, Esquire. 

Val. The Mr. Wright to whom I am indebted for 
the papers I have just read — devoured, rather? 

Sol. Towards your identification as the nephew and 
heir of my late client, wlio died in the nortli of Wales, 
at the village of Penfaar, Frida^r, the 23d March, 1846. 

Val. Pray, go on. 

Sol. It is known to the firm, sir, that of your birth 
and parentage you are ignorant. That you were 
brought up by a dissenting clergyman, who rescued 
you, yet an infant, from a troop of wandering persons, 
and educated you with his own children 

Val. True — true. 

Sol. It is probably not known to you that, stimu- 
lated by the large reward offered in Mr. Landaff''s 
will for the recovery of his nephew, a firm of Shark & 
Co., Solicitors, but not honest men, have found means 
to possess themselves of important papers touching 
this strange case. 

Val. Indeed! 

Sol. One of the papers you have read makes it more 
than probable the claim is without foundation of the 
individual who arrived here this morning, attended by 
a clerk of Messrs. Shark & Co. Further, you perceive 
by the marginal note to paper A, the most essential 
documents have 3^et to be seen. 

Val. It had not escaped me — that. 

Sol. The place of the concealment of these papers 
became known to Shark & Co. by the recent death- 
bed confession of the woman Martha W^illiams, once 
a domestic of the late Mr. Landaff", and who had the 



SCENE II.] A COMEDY. 101 

care of his infant nephew during Mr. Landaff 's fre- 
quent absences on the continent. 

Val. Martha Williams! Martha Williams? But 
don't let me stop jon. 

Sol. She was tried at the assizes, and acquitted of 
the offence of spiriting away the child, but was always 
believed to have it in her power to make important 
disclosures touching the loss of the boy — a belief con- 
firmed by her late confession. 

Val. And the missing papers have passed into the 
hands of the solicitors of Lord Winterly ? 

Sol. Employed by Mrs. Rachel Payksan. 

Val. There can be little hope ! 

Sol. Grave apprehensions are entertained they have 
already despatched them to Mrs. Pa3'ksan — if, indeed, 
they are not at this time in her possession. 

Val. Would it not be well instantly to appl}' to the 
nearest magistrate ? 

Sol. The contents of these papers are known only 
by conjecture — not a basis of judicial determination. 
If destro^xd, as they would be on the first alarm, the 
individual alread}^ here claiming the estate, would be 
without a rival. 

Val. Let me ask — has that person heard the name 
and confession of this woman, Williams? 

Sol. He has not ; *but made aware, within the last 
half hour, by Mrs. Payksan, that his pretensions will 
be contested, this man who has been himself deceived, 
desires to see me, and is seriously alarmed. 

Val. This is Mrs. Pa^^ksan approaching; we will 
pursue our conversation in ray chamber hard hy. 

^Exeunt Yalextine and Solicitor. 
9>}c 



102 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 



SCENE III. 

Enter Lord Winterly and Mrs. Payksan, reading 
a letter. 

Lord Win. Yon have undone me! 

Mrs. Payk. Dear me! Lord Tiegerl}^ comes into the 
match! 

Lord Win. To be snre he does! Is not he bank- 
rupt ? and was he not bankrupt when j^ou made me 
ask for his daugliter ? Gomes into the matchi quoth 
he, as if it were a horse-race ! 

3Irs. Payk. It is unluck}^ 

Lord Win. You have ruined me. I must put down 
all the money for the new establishment, and the 
Tiegerlj^s are furious breeders, and perfect devils of 
expense and wastefulness besides — or, you know the 
consequence. 

Mrs. Payk. My dear friend, what is the conse- 
quence? 

Lord Win. Now his hounds and horses are gone to 
nurse, he will like nothing better than holding me re- 
sponsible, as he calls it, for asking his daughter's hand, 
and then refusing it. Refuse, I will, though. Oh, I 
see it all! I see myself brought home on a window- 
shutter. 

Mrs. Payk. Not a duel? Surely he would not do 
so by your lordship. 

Lord Win. Do so by my lordship! Won't it look 
as if I had gone out of m}^ way to insult this man of 
wrath? What is to be done? — what is to be done? 
Tell me that, Madam. 



SCENE III.] A COMEDY. 103 

3Irs. Poyk. Well, my lord — hum — You could not 
have a, fit of the gout? — that would not suit 3'our 
lordship. 

Lord Win. Pshaw! 

Mrs. Payk. You could not have scruples of con- 
science? — That would not suit your lordship. 

Lord Win. Humph! 

3Irs. Payk. You could not practise a little ? — That 
would not suit your lordship. 

Lord Win. Oh, the devil ! 

Mrs. Payk. You could not marry Miss Tiegerly 
3"0urself ? That would not suit your lordship. 

Lord Win. What! Ruin me, and then marry me 
off, Mrs. Payksan ! I will change the ministrj^ — I 
will send for Mrs. Winslove. 

J/?'S. Payk. Your lordship ! But I am so perplexed! 
AYhat would 3^0 u have me do? 

Lord Win. How should I know, unless you take up 
Tiegerly 's invitation yourself ! Livitafion! oh Lord! 

3L^s. Payk. Indeed, but, your lordship, I cannot 
believe a man of Lord Tiegerly's age, a peer of Parlia- 
ment, and father of a familj^, would countenance the 
horrid s^^stem of duelling. Let me repeat, to 3^our 
lordship, what dear old Mr. Snuffleton said of that 
barbarous and horrid S3^stem, in his address to the 
young men on the New System. Said he 

Lord Win. Away with 3'our elegant extracts! 
Hark je^ Mrs. Paj^ksan, within the half hour I shall 
expect 3^ou to bring me 

J/rs. Payk. Your lordship, take care ! Here is Mr. 
Landaff. I will follow to 3'our lordship's room, and 
receive j^our orders. lExit Lord Winterly. 



104 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 



SCEXE lY. 

Mrs. Payl\ His orders ! and my hands full of busi- 
ness ! Wright here, and Shark coming. A womnn of 
my spirit to knock down to such a thin-blooded, 
shallow-brained scrap as it is ! His orders ! He will 
order his money — his ten thousand pounds — Let him 
order! Xow, here is an idol of another sort. He 
don't value adoration, but his vanity is none the less 
accessible. If I could hold him up but a month, it 
would be time enough to make my son's match with 
Emily Meadows. Valentine and the nurse's papers 
will be soon out of the way, and then the path is clear. 



SCENE Y. 

Mrs. Paijk. Ah ! Mr. Landaff. 

Land. Where is this slouch of a lawyer? Not 
come — what's the use of lawyers that don't keep 
appointments ? They are commonly punctual as an 
ox — It is in the breed, and be damned to them — an ox 
with a cross of the fox — What does this old petticoat 
want ? — with a strong mind and weak understanding. 
\_Paces to and fro ivUhout noticing Mrs. Payksan.] 

3Irs. Payk. Mr. LandaftV don't be downcast. 

Land. Downcast! Damme, I am never downcast; 
I have the blue blood in me. 

Mrs. Payk. You are not to be circumvented. 

Land. Nothing so fatiguing as yovw man or woman 
w^io is always manoeuvring to get the wind of you. 



SCENE VI.] A COMEDY. 105 



SCENE YI. 

Enter Old Payksan, and beckons aside 
Mrs. Payksan. 

Mrs. Paijk. That puppet will never hear. He is 
occupied with himself. What are you afraid of? 

Old Payk. I am afraid of jow — a little more in- 
tegrity 

Mrs. Payk. Brains, sir ! — that is integrity. What 
have you to say? 

Old Payk. There is not a word from j^our London 
friends. 

Mrs. Payk. Then you came to tell me nothing — I 
knew it. 

Old Payk. Whatever comes, your son will bring. 
You say he is safe. 

Mrs. Payk. As a telegraph pole, and for a like rea- 
son — he don't understand the message he carries. If 
he did, he would blab it. He gets no quality from his 
mother. 

Old Payk. He is fortunate. 

Mrs. Payk. Mr. Payksan, I have something to say 
to Mr. Landaff. 

Old Payk. Your schemes are dangerous. 

Mrs. Payk. Leave me, sir ! 

Old Payk. I wash my hands of this business from 
the beginning. 

Mrs. Payk. I cannot endure half-way men. 

Old Payk. Half-way men, Mrs. Payksan, are certain 
meddlesome women, less than half honest. Upon my 
life, they have made a bad choice of halves ; they have 
taken all the worst parts of us. \^Exit Old Payksan. 



106 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 



SCENE YII. 

3Irs. Paijk. Still waiting, Mr. Lanclaif ? You don't 
count impatience among your vices — if 3^ou have any 
vices — ha, ha! 

Land. Oh, a double handful of them. I am not so 
damned unexceptionable — but a man who has seen as 
much as I have, knows how to wait. 

Mrs. Payk. A little anxious — that is all. 

Land. \_Looks at his watch ] Minutes are hours. 

Mrs. Payk. Mr. Landaff, be ruled by us. 

Land. Usf 

Mrs. Payk. We will see you through. 

Land. Us I We I Oh, the emancipated sex ! 

Mrs. Payk. Yes, yes — we turn the wheel. 

Land. On the new S3'stem — hey ? 

3Irs. Payk. You understood me, Mr. Landaff? This 
movement against you we will delay, weeks, months. 

Land. And take a lease of me in the meantime — Bah ! 

Mrs. Payk. You shall keep possession, and your 
competitor be at bay ■ 

Land. Two lords of the manor. 

Mrs. Payk. Till the question is settled. 

Land. A j^air of us. 

3Irs. Payk. Do 3^ou trifle with ruin ! 

Land. I am against the system — dead against 3^ou — 
the whole boodle of you. I am afraid of j^ou. I have 
never forgotten a fright I had, at being chased by a 
man in woman's clothes. It is a shock to the nerves. 
If this dog of a law3^er won't come to me, I will be 
as obsequious as the son of Abdallah was — I'll go to 
him. \_Exit Landaff. 



SCENE IX.] A COMEDY. lOt 



SCENE VIII. 

3Irs. Payk. The fellow has knocked about the world 
till he is as hard as flint, and his mind made up about 
everything. \_Entei'' Selivant.] What can be done 
with him ? 

Servant. My lord desires to see Mrs. Payksau. 

Mrs. Payk. Very well. \_ExU Servant.] 

[JEnter another Servant.] Servant. Mr. Thomas 
Paj^ksan is coming up to see Mrs. Payksan. 

Mrs. Payk. "Very well. \_Exit Servant. 

SCENE IX. 

Enter Young Payksan. 

Young Payk. I shan't mount guard an^^ more for 
Old Shark, as if I was in love with him. 

Mrs. Payk. No, my dear. Miss Longpole has gone 
after him. 

Young Payk. Thank you [^going^. 

Mrs. Payk. Where are you going, darling? 

Young Payk. I have something to tell Mrs. Wins- 
love. 

3Irs. Payk. Stay! Let mamma tell her little 
chicken — It goes hard with its little heart to make 
love to Miss Meadows ? 

Young Payk. Its little organ of circulation won't 
play that march. 

3frs. Payk. If you will never talk of Mrs. Winslove 
again, we won't talk of Miss Meadows for two weeks, 
and perhaps I will not marry you to her. We'll see 
about it. I may change my mind. But, my love, 
your father's health is not strong, and if anything 



108 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 

happens to your poor father, and I should marry 
again, you must be provided for before that ; and you 
must be sensible, mj^ love, there is no chance of it 
unless you get an heiress. Let Mrs. AVinslove alone ; 
she is a poor fashionable thing — well enough to chase 
butterflies. But don't you know, she would not think 
of you? — and if she did. Lord Winterly would be out- 
rageous. 

Young Payk. Can't I be outrageous too? 

ili^'s. Payk. You know we are self-made people. 

Young Payk. Self-made porcelain. — There's plenty 
of it about. 

[Enter Servant.] Servant. Lord Winterly wishes 
to see Mrs. Payksan immediately. \_Exit Servant.] 

Mrs. Payk. You insensible brat, come along with 
me! 

Young Payk. Off, mamma! 

\_Exit Young Payksan. 

SCENE X. 

3Irs. Payk. Here is another love-sick gentleman ; 
his sister has penetrated my design on Emil^^, and 
had her and Henry closeted with her — match-making, 
if she can ! I'll throw this one off, and indemnify my- 
self with a little civil vengeance, too, for his sister's 
insolence. All in the manner of good society. 
Enter Henry. 

3Irs. Payk. A word with j^ou, sir. 

Henry. Excuse me. 

Mrs. Payk. I am just going to his lordship. He 
sent for me, in haste, to consult me about — no matter 
what — but, before I go, you will let me tell you 

Henry. You must really excuse me. 



SCENE ^n.^ A COMEDY. 109 

3Irs. Payk. A proof of my regard — I want to tell 
3^011 in confidence 

Henry. Pardon me. 

M7's. Payk. As to Miss Meadows, 3^011 know 

Henry. Madam ? 

3Irs. Payk. In strict confidence — sa^^ nothing about 
it, even to Mrs. Winslove — but I'll tr}^ to prevail 
upon Tom to give up Miss Meadows. 

Henry. What do 3'ou tell me? 

Mrs. Payk. I would not have him interfere with 
you. Not that Miss Meadows is absolutelj^ attached 
to my son — I don't say that — not a tenderness; no 
more than a tendency. 

Henry. A tendency? 

Mrs. Payk. You will consider, j^ou know, the 3'oung 
people's feelings. It goes no further — mum is the 
word. We understand each other. His lordship will 
be impatient. \_Exit Mrs. Payksan. 

SCEXE XL 

Henry. [^Calls.'] Margin! Successor to Young Pa3^k- 
san! Sure, I am the unluckiest man in the world, 
or, what is as bad, I think so! Could Julia have 
been so deceived ? Would she have settled ever3^thing 
for us finall3^, if Emil3^'s heart were, half of it, this 
poor scrub's ? \_CaUs.'] — Margin! Margin! Where is 
the fellow^ ? 

SCEXE XII. 

Enter Margin. 
Henry. Tell Mrs. Winslove I desire to see her at 
once. 

Margin. Yes, sir ; but Lord, Lord, sir, I hope 3'ou 
10 



110 WOMEN RULE. [aCT V. 

don't mind what tliat old mongrel has been telling 
you. I could not help hearing where I stood. The 
door was a little ajar, sir. But, your honour, she lies 
like an oracle. 

Henry. Curse the woman I I hope so. 

Blargin. By Jupiter Almonds ! — excuse my swear- 
ing — but, your honour, what did they call him 
Almonds for? — I suppose a family name. Well, I 
know she does — Miss Meadows, indeed! Why, that 
young Mr. Payksan has been dodging after Mrs. 
Winslove like a relative pronoun. 

Henry. Mrs. Winslove? 

Margin. Yes, sir. The dunce is as much in love as 
your honour. lie is the laughing-stock of the house. 
Why, he has no more sense than an adverb. 

Henry. My sister ? 

Margin. Yes, sir, Mrs. Winslove. Here is Mr. 
Payksan, sir. Do talk to the young gentleman. He 
w^on't stand a cross-examination, I warrant you. 

SCENE XIII. 
Enter Young Payksan. 

Hem^y. Hah! Mr. Pajdvsan. 

3Iargin. \^Aside.'\ That is right, sir! 

Henry. You seem to be looking for somebody. 

3Iargin. [Aside.'] Article first ! 

Young Payh. Only a lady's-maid, sir. 

Henry. Indeed ! The lover's dragoman. 

Young Pa\jk. Ha! ha! I am no Turk, sir. 

Henry. He is saucy. I feel disposed to knock him 

down. Why, jow You have the look of a 3^oung 

gentleman in love ! 

Margin. [Aside.'] Home-thrust, your honour ! 



SCENE XIV.] A COMEDY. Ill 

Young Payk. I hope I have not such a tender look. 

Henry. \^Aside.'] Tender ? — the very word. Not ten- 
derness^ but a tendency! [^Aloud.'] — Hark ye, young 
Mr. Payksan, whose servant do you look for ? 

Young Poyk. But, you seem disturbed, sir ! 

Henry. Disturbed! Why not, if I choose to be dis- 
turbed ? 

Young Payk. Just as mamma said ; he is going to 
be outrageous. 

Henry. Truce to j'our hesitations, you fool! 

Young Payk. I am a decent man, sir ! 

Henry. See, sir ! have you ventured ? — Your mo- 
ther tells me you have been ridiculous enough to 
aspire to — that is bad enough — but is it worse ? What 
I want to know is, if there has been any tendency 
to 

Margin. Mrs. Winslove, sii*. \^Aside.'] In time for 
the tail of the tempest. 

SCENE XI Y. 
Enter Mrs. Winslove. 

Henry. I can make nothing of this little puppy. 
Hah, Julia ! [Henry and 3frs. Winslove go up the 
stage and talk eagerly.'] 

Margin. Don't be alarmed, sir, it is all over. 

Young Payk. I am glad Mrs. Winslove came. 

Margin. Oh ! she is a rainbow. When my master 
breaks out he is a little dangerous, at first. It comes 
of reding so much. You know it flies to the head — 
does with some people. I have felt it myself. Per- 
haps you have been affected in that way. No ? Well, 
thq,t is the cause of it, sir. I look to causes. Seldom 
you see much effect without one. 



112 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 

Young Fayk. Mrs. Winslove is so good and kind. 
Don't you tliink Queen looks like her? 

Alar gin. Queen ! ! ! 

Young Fayk. Well, sometimes? 

Margin. Like Mrs. Winslove! 

Young Fayk. I think so. 

Margin. She is the inversion, sir. 

Young Fayk. I should like, some day, to have your 
opinion of Queen. 

Margin. She is perfectly vicious. 

Young Fayk. You astonish me. 

Margin. Real dangerous animal ! Why, she would 
take a piece out of your leg. 

Young Fayk. Oh ! You mean that sort of thing — I 
thought you meant 

Margin. Yes, and — \ii-hisi')ers young Payksan.] 

Young Fayk. Who would have thought ? 

Henry. \_Sliaking hands loitli and embracing young 
Payksan.] Mr. Pa3'ksan, T was all wrong — I have a 
most absurd tendency — ha, ha! You will forgive me. 
Well ! You will think no more of it — There is an 
end of it. 

Young Fayk. Yes, yes — Mrs. Winslove bears the 
white flag — I love to see it. 

Mrs. Winsl. Thank you ! Thank you ! 

Henry. My good fellow, step to the librarj^ ! 
Margin, show Mr. Pa3dvsan to the library. 

Young Fayk. Don't give yourself the trouble, sir. 

Henry. Mrs. Winslove and I will be ther« pre- 
sently. 

Young Fayk. Can't I stay here, sir? 

Henry. Margin, take Mr. Pa3'ksan with 3^011 — don't 
stick in the doorwa3^, 3^ou rascal ! 



SCENE XV.] A COMEDY. 113 

Margin. [^Aside.'] When it is going to be interesting 
they alwa3"s send me ont of the room. 

Henry. Take Mr. Payksan away ! 

Margin. Yonr hononr, don't exile him to the librar3\ 
He conld not breathe np there. Russia leather would 
stifle him. 

Henry. Change of climate will do him good. Go 
you! Go, Mr. Pajdvsan [pushing them off^ — make 
Margin stay with you. He will show whatever you 
w^onld like to be shown in the librar^^ 

3Iargin. And that will be the way out. 

Mrs. Winsl. Here is Emilj^, just as I told you. 

\_Exeunt Young Payksan and Margin. 

SCENE XY. 

Enter Emily. 

Henry. 

" Ui^ rose the sun^ and up rose EmiJy.''^ 
Oh ! if T am rather flat when the day is against me, at 
least I am a passionate lover in the day of success. 
[ To Mrs. Winslove.] What it is to have a friend ! 

Emily. To me, too, Julia has been a friend — the 
most soothing of friends. 

Henry. Soothing ! There it is^give me a sooth- 
ing friend — a friend who never scolds, and always 
comforts you ; and, parting with 3- on after a morning's 
talk, is sure to leave 3'ou in good humour with 3^ourself. 
Not that one's vanit3^ must be flattered, Julia — I would 
not have that. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, no! 

Henry. But what is a friend without S3mipathY ? 

Emily. One's terrible friends cut up friendship by 
the roots. 

10* 



114 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 

Henry. The true heart cannot be severe — Can it, 
Julia? — any more in friendship than in love. 

Emily. It is indulgent always ; is not it, Julia ? 
[Kissing her.'] 

Mrs. Wins!. My dear, you will make Henry jealous. 

Henry. Dearest Julia ! [Kissing her.] 

Mrs. Winsl. Keep them, brother, to reconcile 
quarrels. 

Emily. Shall we come to that ? 

Henry. Quarrels ! 

Emily. Never with you, Julia ! )^ [ Together, and 

Henry. Not with you, sister! j fonclling her.] 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, this is too much ! You must not 
waste friendship, any more than love. 

Henry. The fountain is inexhaustible. 

Emily. Well be your suitors — we cannot love j^ou 
enough. 

Jfr8. Winsl. Well, my dear, of love an}^ quantity 
you please — so of suitors, any number is not amiss, 
and for the most part not inconvenient; though they 
do hate one another bitterl}^ But this friendly union 
of two hearts to lavish their joint endearments on the 
same poor object — I won't say it is overwhelming, 
m}^ dear, but it is unusuaT, that is all. 

Emily. You will let us accustom you to it. 

Henry. Won't you, Julia? 

Mrs. Winsl. Indeed, I don't know. You are the 
oddest people. There 3'ou were, dying of friendship, 
for days, both of 3'ou. 

Emily. Now, Julia ! 

3frs. Winsl. Refusing to be loved. 

Henry. I was an unreasonable lover. 

Mrs, Winsh A lover who made no love. 



SCENE XV.] A COMEDY. 115 

Emily. What could I do ? Henry never spoke — 
not even with his eyes. 

3Irs. Winsl. M}^ dear, if his eyes were dumb yours 
could speak. 

Emily. Fie, Julia I 

Mrs. Winsl. They were woman's ej^es, and had a 
woman's heart to prompt them. 

Henry. There is something in that, Emil^'. 

Emily. That I was to speak first ? 

Henry. Well, not exacth\ 

Emily. But something like it ! 

Mrs. Winsl. You were too ridiculous, both of you — 
too provoking, too bad even for lovers. I can sympa- 
thize with the sensibilities of my own sex — but oh, 
Emil3", 3^our modest man ! 

Emily. Now, don't laugh at Henr3\ 

Mrs. Winsl. If marriages are reall^^nade in heaven, 
in the book where they register them, j^our case will 
have a chapter to itself. 

Emily. It is o\\\y the marriage tlie^^ register, not 
the courtship. 

3Irs. Winsl. Ah ! then 3'ou are safe, m}^ dear, for 
marriages are all alike. 

Henry. Julia, I am a changed man. 

3Irs. Wi77sl. No, Henry, 3^ou have one qualit}^ to 
change, and many, I hope, you will never part with. 
But, let us remember you are the promised husband 
of Mag Tiegerly ; and Mrs. Pa^^ksan's schemes don't 
always fail. 

Henry. A precious combination, that, between a 
bankrupt horse-jockey' and a pestilent woman. You 
have, already, more than half defeated the female con- 
spirator and if T don't put the other to speed}" and 



116 WOMEN RULE. [aCT V. 

disgrnceful flight, I am unworthy of the name I bear ; 
I deserve not the hand of Emily. 

Emily. Now, Henry, be careful ! Do nothing rash ! 
Don't excite him, Julia. 

Henry. Heavens ! here is Mr. Wright — but I 
fear 1 fear. 

Emily. Yes, I fear to see him. 

Mrs. Winsl. I shall see, and hear him, almost with 
indifference. The law may not give Yalentine his 
estate — that turns on frauds and quibbles. But Valen- 
tine's honourable birth is as plain as his noble quali- 
ties. 

SCENE XYL 

Enter Solicitor. 

Henry. Mr. Wright, is it failure or success ? 

Emily. Do, resolve our doubts ! 

Mrs. Winsl. Mr. Wright has done his best. 

Sol. I came here in the belief the secretary of Lord 
Winterly, the young gentleman known to you as 
Yalentine, was the testamentary heir of my late client, 
Mr. Landaff, and to secure the only proofs which could 
establish his claim. My visit has been fruitless. A 
note b}^ telegraph informs me that, soon after I left 
London, by Messrs. Shark & Co., in consideration of 
double the sum before offered them, my partners were 
put in possession of a parcel containing the papers 
first heard of through the confession of the nurse 
Williams. 

Henry. And their purport! 

Sol. The same despatch informs me a rapid exami- 
nation of those papers places the identity of this 
young gentleman bej'ond peradventure, and furnishes 



SCENE XVIT.] A COMEDY. lit 

a perfect clue to the proofs by which it may be estalj- 
lished. 

Emily. How fortunate ! 

Henry. All, then, is safe. 

Sol. A Miss Longpole, acting, it seems, for Mrs. 
Rachel Payksan, has been to the telegraph office, 
and, by a fee to the operator, possessed herself of my 
despatch. It matters not — the papers are in my fire- 
proof. You will pardon me, I have but ten minutes 
to make the London train. [Exit Solicitor.] 

Emily. The dear man! — he is gone before we could 
thank him. 

3Irs. Winsl. Here comes Philip Landaff — Yalentine 
no more — bearing in his face a whole gazette of news 
— ha, ha! — which we have had already. 

SCENE XYIL 
Enter Yalentine. 

[Tliey surround and congratulate liim.'\ 

Henry. Mr. Wright has this moment left us; let 
me, my dear friend, embrace and rejoice with yow over 
this sudden and glorious change of fortune. 

Mrs. Winsl. For some hours not unexpected. 

Val. Sudden enough, though, to make one's head 
whirl, and one's heart beat thick, Julia. I am just 
from an interview with my predecessor, the dethroned 
monarch, as he calls himself. He behaves better than 
some of them — upon my soul he does. But I want to 
tell you, Henry 

Henry. No bad news ? — no alloy, I hope. 

Val. You shall judge. You arc rejected by Mag 



118 WOMEN RULE. [aCT V. 

Tiegerly. She is to marry, the week after next, a 
middle-aged banker, overgrown with guineas, now her 
accepted lover. 

Emily, What a relief! 

Henry. Then I get Emily without fighting. 

Mrs. Winsl. Or courting. 

Henry. Thanks to you, sister, again ! 

Val. It seems Lord Tiegerly's prompt answer to the 
Winterly offer was made in the absence of the ladies, 
who were passing some days with Sir Harry and Lady 
Horseflesh; and there Miss Tiegerly met and capti- 
vated this mone3'ed gentleman, after a short court- 
ship, conducted by the young lady with equal skill 
and boldness. 

Henry. Think of tliat, Emily. 

Val. Lord Tiegerly has just been over here, to back 
himself out, as he calls it, and the AYinterly conven- 
tion was cancelled as if by a cannon-shot. 

Emily. And now, Henr}^, Lord Tiegerly has given 
you* no oflTence — I do hope there will be no quarrelling. 

Val. Oh, I think there need be none — but there is 
no answering for lovers ! 

Emily. Henry, you will let me answer for you ? 

Val. Love, my dear Miss Meadows, has a thousand 
humours. One of the cases I have seen took the 

form — hem ! Henry — of sheer inaction. So [to Mrs. 

Winslove] instinct with glorious hope, it sometimes 
struggles against what appear to be the decrees of 
fate itself! But here is one of the high contracting 
parties, and the back-stairs influence with him. I must 
leave 3'ou. Do make waj^ 

[_Exit Valentine. 



SCENE XIX.] A COMEDY. 119 



SCENE XYIIL 

Mrs. Wind. Jjy all means, room for their diplomac3\ 
Ours, my dear Henr}^, has done its office ; and now 
that you are raised by it to the heights of love and 
happiness, 3'ou may, like all the lifted-up, kick down 
the ladder that no longer serves you. Come. 

[Exeunt Henry, Mrs. Winslove, and Emily. 

SCENE XIX. 
Enter Lord Winterly and Mrs. Payksan. 

Lord Win. Am I satisfied ? No. 

3Irs. Payk. Men seldom are. 

Lord Win. But I mean to be. 

Mrs. Payk. Then be reasonable ! The Tiegerly 
difficulty — that is out of the way ? 

Lord Win. We will say no more of that. But jowv 
audacious plot to marry your son to a lady of rank 
and fashion, and, till the marriage could be brought 
about, impose this poor man, as the Landaff heir, on 
me and on himself too — why, 'tis monstrous ! 

3Irs. Payk. Where is the mischief ? Yalentine gets 
the estate — you don't want the girl without it. You 
told me, this day, my son might court her. 

Lord Win. The girl! — the girl! The young lady, 
perhaps ? No, but I want the ten thousand pounds 
taken out of the Landaff trust, and now to .be ac- 
counted for to the heir. It is time I knew something 
of it. 

3Irs, Payk. About the Landaff money ? 

Lord Win. About the ten thousand pounds. 



120 WOMEN RULE. [aCT V. 

3Irs. Paijk. Replace them. 

Lord Win. Replace them? 

J/rs. Payk. Surely, if 3^011 have dilapidated the 
trust. 

Lord Win. I replace them ? Here is my steward's 
account, showing the sum, with interest, ten thousand 
eight hundred and thirtj^-eight pounds, six shillings 
and ten pence half-penny — am I to pay it ? 

3Irs. Payk. Does 3^our steward say I am to pa}^ it ? 

Lord Win. But, Mrs. Payksan! 

Mrs. Payk. My lord ! 

Lord Win. Who had this money ? True, I did not 
take your husband's obligation — he never heard of 
the loan. 

3Irs. Payk. And by your laws, my lord, his wife 
had no right to incur the debt — what an unjust sys- 
tem — ha, ha! That your ancestors, m}^ lord, all the 
way back to the Conquest, should have been imposing 
so on my poor sex — on half England — the better half, 
and not owe a dear friend ten thousand pounds ! 

Lord Win. People shall know ^-ou, madam! 

3Irs. Payk. Take care they don't know 3'ou, my 
lord. 

Lord Win. I will set in its true light your deceit, 
you false woman ! 

Mrs. Payk. I will set all the tongues going, for ten 
miles round, j^ou depraved old man ! 

Lord Win. Let it be the other side of my territorj-, 
madam ! Leave this house ! 

3Irs. Payk. Here is a gentleman, with the freedom 
of the house, who has taken more than ten thousand 
pounds from you. 



SCENE XXI.] A COMEDY. 121 

SCENE XX. 
Enter Landaff and Valentine. 

Mrs, Payk, Your nephew takes the wife, and this 
man the estate — Patience, my lord, I recommend you 
a little patience. 

Lord Win. Will you leave me ? 

Mrs. Payk. Mr. Smith — I am told that is your 
name — you are returning to want and misery. I re- 
commend you a little morality ! 

Land. Thank you ! — the advice is well enough. I 
sometimes get off the track — who don't ? Some peo- 
ple, Mrs. Pa3^ksan, whose morality is always on the 
track, find room there for the falsehood, shabbiness, 
and malice, which are of their morality the unfailing 
companions. 

Mrs. Payk. Mr. Ex-Secretarj^, should you persist, 
now you are rich and great, in your suit to a certain 
lady 3^ou sought when you were poor and humble, I 
recommend you a little jealousy I 

Val. And I recommend you, Mrs. Payksan, a sys- 
tem — a system of prudence, if not flight; there are 
people, not far off, who are preparing legal proceed- 
ings against jovl of the most serious nature. \_Exit 
Mrs. Payksan. 

SCENE XXI. 

Land. My lord of the manor, you take from me 
everything else, let me take my leave of you. There 
is my hand, I wish you joy of your inheritance. You 
will not find in it more enjoyment than I should, if 
you had only left me the possession. 
II 



122 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 

Val. What ought I ? — something I must do for him. 

Land. But I make no wry faces. I go with spirits, 
not as high, but as unbroken as I brought 'em here. 

Val. Where do j^ou go ? 

Land. Back to London — wits and vagabonds seek 
a metropolis. 

Lord Win. How, Mr. Smith ? 

Land. How do I travel ? 'Gad, the only way that 
is left me ; not in my coach. I go to London as a man 
may go there, and come away a lord — afoot I 

Val. Must I see him in beggary? Bounty to 
one's friends is but another form of selfishness. The 
truly generous heart is closed to none. Sir, your 
horizon shall brighten. 

Land. Oh, I can fight my way, and, may be, find 
what loins I spring from too. The battle of life is 
not without attractions, even for those who gain no 
victories. Hope, Mr. Secretary — health, hope, and 
good spirits are a plank a man can always float on. 

Val. While they last — which is while youth lasts, 
not longer. But something shall be done for you — I 
owe it to you. There are men, my good friend, who, 
indelibly and inefi'aceably mean, were they elevated 
to a throne, would carry their miseries and pettinesses 
along with them. Others there are who rise with cir- 
cumstances, and meet the level of their fortune. The 
place I had procured for my own advancement, in 
America, shall be transferred to you — it will afford you 
at once a competenc3^, and with energy and ambition 
you will make it the stepping-stone to ultimate and 
permanent respectability. 

Land. Pardon, sir I — pardon a little natural emo- 



SCENE XXII.] A COMEDY. 123 

tion ! The world is a place where genuine kindness 
don't hang on every bush. 

Val. Come, come, you will thrive in America. 'Tis 
a latitude of a little humbug, that's true ; but liberty 
is a purifier — So long as men are free they are noble 
anywhere ; " though when the Yankee air gets con- 
" taminated and the daj- for crouching comes, I dare 
" say they will be submissive enough." Here are Lord 
Winterly 's nephew and the ladies. Let me have a 
word with you apart. [Landaff and Yalentine go 
aside and convei^se.'] 



SCENE XXIL 
Enter Henry, Mrs. Winslove, and Emily. 

Henry. Uncle, since Mrs. Payksan had your lord- 
ship's leave that her son address Miss Meadows, I 
have thought it not presumptuous myself to ask her 
hand. 

Jirs. Winsl. When did you do that, Henry ? 

Henry. And we are here, uncle, to seek your con* 
sent and blessing. 

Mrs. Winsl. That, indeed! 

Lord Win. I have no more idea, nephew, of marry- 
ing. I shall rejoice to see you happily settled. If 
you and Emilj^ can content yourselves with a moderate 
allowance, I am ready to wish you joy, and do some- 
thing for you, till — till you come into it all. 

Henry. Don't let your tenderness afflict itself, 
uncle — that is a distant day — and our only extrava- 
gance is love, which is already supplied. 



124 WOMEN RULE. [ACT V. 

Lord Win. Your wife and your books — you will 
want little more. 

Henry. A great deal more. 

Lord Win. What do you mean? Impossible. I 
have sustained a heavy loss — I have more than ten 
thousand pounds to make up, perhaps this week. 

Henry. Uncle, I have to make up more than that, 
and must begin to-da}^ I have lost years of the sub- 
stance of my youth, and must pursue time — and what, 
my lord, are the wings of your money to the wings 
of time? 

Lord Win. Oh, is that all ? 

Henry. I have been a dreamer, a loiterer among 
books, when I owed it to my birth and position — to my 
gifts, if any I have — to the counsels of Julia — to my 
own happiness, to stir mj^self to active life. This is 
a debt, my lord, which has hitherto been neglected, 
and which I mean shall be honourably paid. 

Jtfns. Winsl. Gallantly resolved! I alwaj^s told 
Henry the stuff that made Plutarch's men was not to 
be got at the bookseller's. 

Henry. And since books tell me that even base 
men may be inspired with virtue when they love, I 
look to my passion — nay, to Emily herself — to lend 
her gentle hand to aid my efforts to amend. 

Mrs. Winsl. My dear Emily, you will prove a most 
notable manager — you have brought about already, 
what, for years, I laboured at in vain. 

Emily. But, dearest Henry, you will not be en- 
grossed in affairs, will 3^ou ? 

Val. And, I, my lord, I too, despite Mrs. Payk- 
san's warning voice, am a petitioner at the door of your 
lordship's bounty. 



SCENE XXII.] A COMEDY. 125 

Lord Win. What, with your great estate? 

Val. Oh, not your purse — the bounty of your heart 
only — your heart, m}^ lord. Can your lordship — love 
has been, at all times, a most notorious despiser of 
rank — can your lordship forgive my having raised my 
lowly ej^es to your lordship's niece? 

Lord Win. You never told me that, Julia. But he 
is now a match for any woman. 

Emily. Was Julia to tell you of all her lovers? 
Only think, your lordship. 

Val. To her I could breathe thoughts which, till 
to-day, I could not venture to utter to joxxy lordship. 
\_To Julia.'] Have I leave to speak? 

3Irs. Winsl. Would you speak for me, when you 
have scarce spoken to me ? That is Henry's way, by 
special license. 

Lord Win. Julia, you are a born coquette — there's 
your picture. 

]\Lf's. Winsl. But not, uncle, from the Payksan 
gallery. 

Land. My lord, think you the answer's final. 

Emily. Coquette ! Your lordship is unjust. 

Henry. Uncle, you should not say so. 

Lord Win. I have heard it too often. 

Val. From that ruler of men, and reformer of 
both sexes, Mrs. Payksan. 

Mrs. Winsl. Oh, and from others. Don't push 
your defence too far ! I am a daughter of Eve, and 
not a reformer. 

Val. And should yo\x turn reformer 

Mrs. Winsl. Take care ! One of these days I may. 
\_Gimng her hand to Valentine.] 



126 WOMEN RULE. [aCT V. 

Val. Enchanting Julia! — it will not be to set the 
world to rights, but to add to your own graces, and 
to the happiness of all around 3^ou, by 

3Irs. Winsl. A moment ! 
To have her faults is still frail ivoman^s lot,, 
Men have their faults^ ayid we have ours — ivhy not? 
To flirt ,f coquet,, sometimes to break a heart,, 
Pooh — after all,, His playing woman^s par^, 
But^ to turn schoolmaster., and scourge and scold — 
Til think of that when I am getting old. 
Change how you will your system, or your school,, 
' Tis by soft arts alone that women rule. 



THE END. 



WOMEN RULE: ^^ 



A Comedy 



IE" ¥IYE ACTS 



PHILADELPHIA: 

COLLINS, PEINTER, 705 .TAYNE STREET. 

1868. 



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